The conundrum

Most girls would be iffy, to put it conservatively, if their boyfriends kept in close contact with past crushes.

In one girl's case, however, it turned out to be slightly more complicated.

Girlfriend admits feeling bad

This is a story about a girlfriend confessing she is feeling bad because she stopped her boyfriend from being friends with a girl he once had a crush on.

Why?

Because that ex-crush eventually died of cancer.

How it started

And if you're going, "Yikes, what a shitty girlfriend," hold your horses.

There is more to the story.

The girlfriend was initially fine with her boyfriend helping out his ex-crush, Jamie, with a singing competition.

The couple is secure, had been going strong for a while and things are stable.

The guy was honest about almost everything he did, except he conveniently left out one part: his text relationship with his ex-crush.

Girlfriend disapproved of the friendship

How she made that discovery probably contributed to iffy feelings.

One evening, the girlfriend saw an abrupt, midnight text on her boyfriend's phone that read, "Hi! What are you doing?".

It was from Jamie.

This came months after the singing competition ended and Jamie was no longer a topic.

[Sounds of shit hitting the fan]

That text then led to the girlfriend uncovering her boyfriend's texting relationship with Jamie, which prompted her to put a stop to things between her boyfriend and his ex-crush.

The boyfriend even let his girlfriend read through the conversation to see that there was nothing suspicious.

However, this issue was kind of unresolved because things got heated and emotions were on display and it was essentially putting an end to a friendship between the boyfriend and his ex-crush.

[related_story]

Few years later

Fast forward a few years.

The couple is maintaining a long-distance relationship because the guy was on exchange.

And then one day they fought. Over Jamie.

Because the boyfriend revealed that she had passed away from cancer.

This really affected the girlfriend because she felt responsible for pulling the two friends apart, even though she could not help but feel suspicious about them -- or at least, about the girl.

Dilemma

Note, again, that the girlfriend did not find out that Jamie had cancer until a couple of years later, after hearing that she had passed away.

So, this is the dilemma: As a girlfriend, how okay would you be for an ex-crush to remain close friends with your boyfriend?

Would it make you a terrible person if you felt it was okay if you knew she had cancer?

And would it make a difference what stage the cancer was?

Should you request that your boyfriend cut contact with past crushes, keeping in mind that a tragedy like this (i.e. a terminal illness) could happen, even though the odds are miniscule?

Should the girlfriend then feel it is her fault?

Under what circumstances would it be okay for your significant other to maintain contact with his or her ex-crush?

Such difficult questions.

In case you cannot see it, here is the full post:

This is something I need to get off my chest, and it's been bothering me for a few months now.

Okay, so boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years now. I've known him since primary school, and we only got closer from Year 1 of polytechnic because of mutual friends. So during poly days, he used to chase after this girl (let's call her Jamie) who studied in a different course. All I know about her was she rejected him few times because she liked another guy or something like that. Judging from what I heard of her from him, she's a social butterfly, and she is a very talented vocalist. She totally owned people in karaoke and even took part in singing competitions.

So we graduated. Boyfriend and I decided to make it official as a couple. I entered the workforce while he waited to enlist in NS. During that time, Jamie asked for his help because she needed to take part in a singing competition and he was a musically inclined person so he's like the right person to go to. I was busy with work for a few weeks during that time so my evenings are spent at work and he spent his time with Jamie at the recording studio few times a week. After the busy period was over, he still helped her out and I was fine with it (no harm helping out a friend right?). The competition was over, then after that I didn't hear anything about her for about few months.

That one night, he went to shower at my house and I was using the laptop when there's a Whatsapp notification on his phone. I peeked at it, thinking it was one of his many group chats and whatnot, but nope. It's from Jamie, and it read 'Hi! What are you doing?'. Mind you, it's like, going midnight and she was texting him.

I was confused? I mean, he didn't mention anything to me about her ever since the competition was over, so I assumed there was nothing going on between the both of them. When he came back, I asked why Jamie was texting him at this hour and he just said that she randomly texted people when she's bored (oh okay).

Then I found out... that he was indeed texting her like, secretly without me knowing for like many months - asking him about his NS life, whether they can catch up for lunch one day and she even go to him for her issues with guys. He mentioned she initiated the chat the whole time which was true (he gave me permission to scroll through his chat) and he was just being a good friend by replying her. There was one instance where, he was out with me on a Saturday and she initiated a text. He replied that he was out with me and she gave a SAD emoji as a reply.

I don't know, maybe I was just jealous. Could it be things were beginning to rekindle after the many days spent preparing for the competition? Maybe she started to see something in him, and maybe he liked the fact that she was beginning to reciprocate his feelings towards her? At that moment I exploded, I questioned his feelings towards me and her, and if he still feels the same way back in poly days when he chased after her. That maybe, I was just a rebound in order for him to get over her. He denied everything, and he has zero feelings for her and completely moved on.

I told him that I don't want Jamie to contact him anymore because I don't trust her and her motives. He agreed to it, and he did called her but at her end, she was very unhappy. She tried to convince him to stay as a friend, and she feels most secured with him and shit like that (I ain't buying anything at that moment tbh). He told her straight to the point that he doesn't want anything to do with her anymore. We argued that night, because I was feeling insecure and he treasured every friendship he had, even if includes someone who rejected him.

So from that night onwards, there was no mention of Jamie. We moved on, we had happy memories together for the next couple of years until something happened.

He was on an exchange to Europe, and that day we kinda argued on Whatsapp, and honestly I forgot what we were arguing about. Probably because of the time zone issue so we only talked to each other like, for a few minutes each day. Tensions were high, we were typing furiously on the keypad and suddenly he just typed something along the lines of,

"You don't know Jamie passed away recently? No right?"

I remember I didn't type anything for like a few minutes. The argument suddenly died down to focus on Jamie instead. I asked why, what, how but he only said,

"Why do I need to tell you? You don't care about her''

Long story short, I found out that she passed away due to cancer a few weeks after his exchange started, and he didn't manage to say his goodbyes and attend her funeral. He did visited her after he came back to pay his respects.

Honestly, up to this day, 6 months after her passing, I was still affected by it. I remember I couldn't sleep for a night or two because I was bothered by it. He could be feeling guilty because he wasn't there for her as a friend through her toughest moments, and he could be resenting me for it because my insecurities drove their friendship apart. We didn't talk much about it; he's the type to bottle emotions up and deal with them by himself. Sometimes I want to approach the topic, but I don't want to anger him and opened this highly pressurised and huge bottle of emotions he's been keeping within himself because well, 'I don't care about her' as quoted by him.

Life went on as usual, we still went on dates and holidays, and recently celebrated our anniversary. I did casually bring up about Jamie's passing, and how he's coping with her departure. He said he moved on from it; he wasn't feeling depressed and sad anymore, but I can't help but to feel otherwise? At the back of my mind, sometimes, I do think about her. Even though maybe, to him (and maybe to you too), I have no right to.

To Jamie, I don't know you well, and if I would have known you would be gone so soon, I would have taken a chance to get to know you instead of forcefully ending the friendship you and YS shared. It made me realise that I was just a person harboring so much negative thoughts towards you, when you yourself is a person that possesses so much positive energy and strong spirituality - something that probably, maybe, why he fell for you many years ago. Now I keep wondering if things were different if I hadn't did what I did. Maybe you might still be alive and well. I apologise for whatever hurtful feelings I caused towards you and I hope you could forgive me too.

May you rest in peace.

Top image from Pexel