It's not something that's talked about enough, admittedly.

But just to put it out there, in the event anyone doesn't already know this: depression is not a mood or feeling — it is a mental disorder characterised by worthlessness, inappropriate guilt or regret, helplessness, hopelessness, and self-hatred. 

It is also not necessarily always caused by environmental and psychological factors; genetics has been found to be the reason for roughly half of diagnosed cases too.

3 generations of depression

Doreen Kho is the co-founder of the Singapore franchise of a popular Korean cosmetics brand, and was its CEO until she made the decision to sell the company.

Earlier this month, Kho opened up in a series of public Facebook posts reflecting on the death of her 11-year-old son, whom she revealed suffered from clinical depression.

In the first post, Kho wrote about how the depression she suffered from affected her zest for life as a whole. She shared that hers was likely genetic, because her father also suffered from depression, and she saw signs of it in her young son over the years too.

She described vividly how it made waking up, leaving the house and socialising with people a chore for her, sometimes avoiding meetings with friends because she didn't want to "spoil the mood" with her depression.

Kho also tried moving houses several times, hoping that the change and a new system would help, but the instability aggravated her condition.

She also opened up about her struggle with maintaining a positive front as CEO of her company — socialising with her staff, and being jovial and chirpy.

This meant that only those closest to her knew what she was going through — including her son.

Putting up a front for Mommy

Kho shared that her son would ask her "Mommy are you ok?" several times a day. He would also put on his best behaviour around her, to impress her and make her happy, when according to Kho's sister, he behaved differently when he was not with Kho.

She admitted to rarely having energy to bring Evan out, and also to having cried in front of him on multiple occasions. She revealed that she stopped taking her depression medication at one point, thinking that doing so did not help and not realising that her depression was hurting her loved ones, especially young Evan, who would continually ask her why she was sad, even though she would deny that she was.

"Depression makes a person forget the good things in life. That they are loved. Instead, it amplifies every single pain. Looking back, I think my depression affected him. The times I asked for a few minutes on my own. The times I lie in bed not wanting to wake up to face another day. This little slots of absence probably made him feel lost because he feels his pillar is crumpling."

Despite this, Kho wrote that the boy did his best — she said he always pretended to smile and took efforts to bring joy and laughter to others, even drawing comics and turning it into a hobby because he thought that would "make people smile and laugh".

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A pact to get well together

Koh realised her son might be suffering from depression too after recognising the symptoms she herself experienced in him: showing less interest in activities, tearing more often, and being defensive. 

But by the time she brought her son to a doctor for diagnosis and made a pact with him to get well together, it was too late.

"We made a pact we would get well together. That we would support each other and never leave each other. I reminded him to take medications as he reminded me to take mine. We promised to always confide in each other.

But I guess he was just too young to know how to communicate his feelings eloquently enough. The only thing he wanted me to know was, “I love you mama”."

In a subsequent post, Kho shared about a visit she paid to a psychiatrist with her daughter to find out if the 10-year-old would need post-trauma counselling. During that session, Kho said she learned about the technique of asking self-grounding questions when a person with depression suddenly finds himself or herself overwhelmed by feelings of anxiety or disorientation.

This, regrettably, is not something her son had the chance to learn while he was still alive.

"When overwhelming feelings takes over, we may do things that we will normally not do. When anxious, he told me to look around the room and ask myself questions relating to the present like what is the day today, what is the colour of the room, how does the ground feel under my feet, what are the sounds I hear. These questions will draw us to back to our present and bring us back to a state of reality instead of letting emotions take over. It also distracts us from the negative feelings."

You can read her first post below:

Depression in children vs depression in adults

In another post, Kho shares how children, compared to adults, have little ways to cope with and understand depression.

A child cannot express his emotions or deal with them adequately, she notes, especially when it comes to negative ones like sadness, moodiness, and frustration.

And in contrast to adults, Kho writes that young sufferers of depression generally have little say in what they want to do, and their moodiness ends up being misunderstood and passed off as tantrums or growing pains.

They also have few people to confide in, she adds, as friends and parents might not understand what they are going through.

To make matters worse, she writes, depression amplifies the negative emotions a sufferer feels.

Kho advises parents to pay attention to any changes their children go through, and to show support and love during their transitions — even if it turns out not to be depression.

Her post on that is here:

Kho writes that she hopes her very candid sharing and reflections of the lessons she has learnt from her son's death will help trigger more discussions and a greater effort to learn about and understand depression.

In her first post, she concludes with:

"Seek help if you suspect you may be depressed. Being depressed is nothing to be embarrassed about. You are not mad or crazy. It is an illness like cancer. Gone untreated, you'll affect others around you. For a good quality of life for yourself and your family, please seek help."

 

If you suspect you or a friend might have depression, please refer to these resources for contact information of various groups and organisations that can help:

HealthHub.sg: Call on these when you need help

National Council of Social Service: Mental Health Resource Directory

(Editor's note: We have removed the photos that appear in this article at Kho's request.) 

Top photo via Getty Images