Previously on The Caveman Review.

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Six months later…

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To borrow the ultimate caveman (read: manly) quote: “Just when I thought I was out... they pull

me back in.”

Well. The previous experiment ended well enough: the wife said I smelled nice (never thought I’d shower lathered in green tea); I made peace with body butter (with a butter knife); exorcised/exfoliated years of painful tekong memories (body scrub ftw).

This, strangely, created a sorta beauty routine for me. Whoever said bald, mid 30s guys are only allowed to wither and die, well, you can suck it.

So now, I guess reviewing five new The Body Shop 100% vegetarian superfood masks is… perfectly fine by me.

But things are never straightforward for a caveman in the beauty world.

What I think a mask looks like:

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What I actually received.

Searching for instructions like:

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And then it struck me, like a thunder flash.

Be camo cream, my friend.

Enough foreplay, let’s do this.

1. Himalayan Charcoal Purifying Glow Mask

What I was told: For skin that needs to release impurities and toxins to help reveal a healthy looking,

youthful glow.

In caveman terms: If you smoke, drink and eat too much fast food, this is the one for you.

2. British Rose Fresh Plumping Mask

What I was told: For skin that needs to be quenched and re-plumped with moisture to reveal its

dewy glow again.

In caveman terms: If your job requires you to always be in the air-conditioned room, this it is.

3. Ethiopian Honey Deep Nourishing Mask

What I was told: For skin that needs an intense dose of replenishing nourishment to feel soft

and smooth again.

In caveman terms: If you don’t want under-nourished dry skin like a mummy, you should use this.

4. Chinese Ginseng & Rice Clarifying Polishing Mask

What I was told: For skin that needs an intense treatment to remove dullness and unevenness.

In caveman terms: If you are single, this should brighten up your life or when you are always out in the sun a lot chasing after the girls.

5. Amazonian Acai Energising Radiance Mask

What I was told: For skin that needs a fast recharge from signs of fatigue and stress.

In caveman terms: If you are a father of at least one infant or two toddlers, you must use this.

Since there are five masks to review and since we are a mix of everything (also TL; DR), let’s

mix things up a little.

The Replenish & Recharge Facial

Forehead and nose: Amazonian Acai Energising Radiance Mask.

Cheeks: Ethiopian Honey Deep Nourishing.

Chin: British Rose Fresh Plumping Mask.

Allow all three blends to sink in for 5 to 10 minutes.

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You should look like this:

Field Report: This combination smells great and reminds me of scones and jam. Downside: It makes me hungry. Irrelevant temptations aside, the mask does indeed give my face a good pick me up as I prepare for the dreary work day ahead. Think coffee but jam. And on your face.

The Hydrate & Invigorate Facial

Forehead and nose: Himalayan Charcoal Purifying Glow Mask.

Cheeks: British Rose Fresh Plumping Mask,

Chin: Chinese Ginseng & Rice Clarifying Polishing Mask.

Allow all three blends to sink in for 5-10 minutes.

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You should look like this:

Field Report: Ooh, this is what I imagine a facial mask should feel like -- my skin tightens as the mask hardens while the minty sensation takes over my face. What’s the song again? “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you… But I love it.” I can do this all the day.

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And there you have it, my brothers: the five masks that will make you relevant again. Each facial mask retails at $32.90.

Ladies, Father’s Day is just right round the corner. You know what to do.

You are welcome.

All photos by Gerald Chan.

This sponsored post by The Body Shop gives the caveman enough money to buy the masks.