One of the best things about serving the nation is listening to all the insults that your platoon sergeants can rain on you during BMT.

Hand on heart, some of the insults are so good, we don’t mind screwing things up just to hear the next clever barb - you know, so that we can use them in the future.

So it’s great news that we can relive the best insults in a short film devoid of all the sweating, panting and aching all over in green.

Called Beijing, Mumbai, Tampines, this short film on BMT (Beijing, Mumbai, Tampines - geddit?) is directed by local director Kelvin Tong and focuses on the dynamics and distrust between Singaporean soldiers and two naturalised soldiers (Beijing, Mumbai - geddit?). Which is funny, considering the fact that the two naturalised soldiers are also serving the nation alongside the Singaporeans.

But that’s hardly as important as the insults you are about to witness.

1. “I asked you to scale the wall, not run into the wall!”

Perfect for: Clumsy new colleagues

Usage: “Eh ask you buy coffee, not spill coffee.”

2. “My grandmother can run faster than you!”

Perfect for: New foreign friends. Because they surely cannot understand why Singaporean grannies are so fighting fit.

Usage: “Do you know that in Singapore, our grandmothers can carry more bags of rice than you?”

3. “My grandfather can climb better than you!”

Perfect for: Somewhat new foreign friends. If they are still your friends.

Usage:“I know this sounds crazy but did you know, in Singapore, our grandfathers can overcome obstacles better than you?”

4.“Do all of you see Stamford Raffles up there?”

Perfect for: History buffs / foreign friends who really wanna know the origin story of Singapore.

Usage: “Your pose so boring, you look like Stamford Raffles sia.”

5. “You think you’re a musical fountain or the Merlion?”

Perfect for: Tourists

Usage: “Merlions are everywhere. No need to go Sentosa, go Zouk also can.”

6. “Do you think that I am a shopping mall’s lost and found counter?”

Perfect for: Shopaholics

Usage: “Eh you think I’m AMK Hub enrichment centre is it? I know everything is it?”

Okay, this is not an insult but…

What a better way to end an army story than with “universal rounds”?

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Catch all the insults. Watch the short film here:

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Beijing, Mumbai, Tampines is part of an anthology - Together Apart. Watch it in full here:

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The three films are part of Project Lapis Sagu, a crowdsourced film initiative which aims to foster social integration between Singaporeans and foreigners, presented by the Ministry of Communications and Information (MCI).

Top image from video.

This article is brought to you by MCI and helps Mothership.sg’s writers start families and raise kids, some of whom may well end up going to NS.

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