Consider this equation: Price of 4-room condo = Price of 4-room HDB

An anomaly really. Because if Price of 4-room condo = Price of 4-room HDB, then Price of 4-course fine dining meal = Price of 4-dish cai png.

Unfortunately, this is the price property agents have to pay in order to survive in the cut throat property industry, whose understanding of math (or in a way, logic) is constantly being tested by some ridiculous demands from hellish customers.

Don’t believe us? We unearthed some truly horrific stories for your reading pleasure.

1. The HDB = Condo customers

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Even if the property market isn’t booming, your chances of scoring a condo at HDB prices is not going to happen. Good luck finding a bank which will feed the disillusionment.

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“The couple looked fairly well off and initially wanted me to source for a condo that wasn’t too far from the CBD as they didn’t own a car. It seems that they didn’t do their initial research on the prices for such homes as they were quite shocked at the asking price for places near Lavender and Toa Payoh.

“The unit so small and they asking for so much?!” was the outburst. But the biggest revelation was that while they were both working adults, their finances were actually not in order and they were not even able to pay the downpayment for most private properties.

I can help sell homes but I cannot move the property market to suit your budget.”

Mike*, 57, 30 years’ experience as a property agent specialising in residential properties

Word of advice: “What is your budget?” is a real, legit question. Do your sums with your agent first. Some motivational speakers might have said “if you can dream it, you can make it happen” unfortunately it doesn’t always happen in the real world.

2. The allergic to paperwork customers

If you’re old enough to buy a property, you’re probably wise enough to know that holding on to a receipt is a good thing for warranty and refunds. Buying a home is sort of like that but with more caveats. But, there’s ready-made paperwork for that.

If only agreements were still this easy

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“I remember a particular seller who wanted to quickly offload his property as he was potentially going to become a bankrupt and wanted to gain maximum valuation. However, he refused to sign an exclusive estate agreement to allow me to exclusively market his property opting to cast a wide net to reach out to more agents.

But then months later, he relented and signed an exclusive agreement, and we settled on a 2% commission. Luckily I had the agreement signed with all the details down on paper because after I had successfully sold the place, he said that the agreement was 1.5% instead!

With proof to back me up, it was hard for him to avoid paying me my additional 0.5%.

Heng got do paperwork.”

Alvin*, 34, 12 years’ experience as a property agent specialising in properties in the eastern part of Singapore

Word of advice: Know how in an office you will always ask for an email confirmation else you kena sabo? Estate agreements work like that except for property transactions. This way both sellers and agents cannot roti prata on pre-agreed terms like commissions.

3. The full of cash customers

Mo cash mo problems? This is especially true when there’s that odd buyer who wants to pay for a property in cash. One thing is for sure, it’s not only his clothes that get laundered.

“During the property boom, it was easy to make sales especially when it came to foreign buyers who would often pay the downpayment in full cash. It was exactly in the movies where they had a briefcase or even the amount of money stuffed into an envelope.

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Actually if I took the cash and passed it on to the developers I’d kena if someone told on me. In the end, I had to chauffeur both client and lawyer to the developer’s office to complete the sale.”

Alvin*, 34, 12 years’ experience as a property agent specialising in properties in the eastern part of Singapore

Word of advice: Property agents are allowed to handle only certain monies depending on the type of property transactions. Else you might end up like this guy.

4. The horror tenant

You usually hear of slumlords but rarely does the feedback go the other way. If you’re house hunting, the phrase “former rental property” should put you on guard. Not all tenants are angels as well.

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“I had an extremely difficult tenant a year back. They made an offer for an apartment I marketed and shortly after they moved in they started giving a lot of complaints and wanted to terminate their lease.

When the landlord disagreed, they filed a complaint with my company and threatened to sue me for mis-representation.

They even went to the MP, stating that I threatened them, and as a result wished to terminate the lease.

The issues were finally resolved after I provided documentation, emails and SMS records of our correspondence. Only then did they back down.

As far as property agents go, property maintenance does not fall under our care but I may choose to do it out of goodwill as a value-add to both the tenant and my clients.”

Frederick*, 37, 8 years’ experience as a property agent specialising in rental properties

Word of advice: Property agents help you rent a property. Actually, your agent’s responsibilities end once you sign the tenancy agreement. Anything more, you’d need an estate manager. Agents might look free but they are also not that free to be a jaga.

4. The messy viewer

Unlike show flats, some customers forget that the home they are in is currently occupied by an actual resident. Just cause you MIGHT be buying the place does not give you the right to make yourself at home. Not until you hand over the cheque.

“When kids are between three to five years old, they are small enough to go unnoticed when their parents are occupied with the viewing so I have to keep an eye on them whenever possible.

One instance, a boy and his mom spent a good part of the viewing in the bathroom. While they were in there, I directed my attention to the rest of the family and started showing them around.

When the mom and son were done, she went up to her husband and whispered something. And the next moment? They were gone.

We later found the bathroom covered in poop and it wasn’t only on the floor but on the walls as well. I had to cancel all my appointments for the day to clean up the bathroom with my seller.

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On the upside, perhaps because of the embarrassment, I received an offer for the house with no haggling at all. Cleaning up the toilet was worth it for a smooth transaction."

Royston*, 41, 15 years’ experience as a property agent specialising in residential properties

Word of advice: Treat the viewed property as your own. End of the day, you’re probably gonna be selling off your own home as well. Mess up another’s property and it just might be yours next.

*not their real names because client confidentiality.

*****

Think all property agents are potential wheeler dealers? It goes both ways and in most cases, it’s always good to put discussions down in writing right from the start. Because greed can always get the better of anyone.

You can visit the Council for Estate Agencies’ (CEA) website for more information.

This sponsored article fuels Mothership so that we don’t have to wipe poop off the wall.