What do knitters, people with tattoos, teachers and library late fines have in common?

Well, they have been the subject of some disgruntled Straits Times readers, who sent in letters to address these pressing issues.

From January to September this year, The Straits Times received nearly 22,000 readers' letters.

Now, you can force Singaporeans to read your own personal issues, by following two very important steps.

1. Find out what pisses you off

This is very personal, and the more specific and self indulgent the problem, the better the chances of getting published.

For example, I don't like secondary school kids having fun, because it reminds me of a lost youth I will never be able to recapture.

Perfect, let's write about that to the newspaper of record for Singapore.

2. Make up a moralistic reason

Now, this is the most important step.

You cannot divulge your real reasoning, because it's usually narcissistic, and unimportant to society.

For example "Oh, I'm just getting grumpier, because I'm powerless to stop the flow of time" is not a good reason, because it is too honest.

This is where good writing comes into play.

You should try to make your official reason sound as pompous and unbearably moral as possible.

Hopefully you can use a moral high ground given to you by the passage of time, to put people down.

Now, on to the letter.

This is what the perfect letter should look like.

First, explain why this problem is a big deal even when it really isn't

Dear ST,

I wish to shed some light on the increasing popular trend of secondary school students talking on buses.

You can now find these students anywhere in Singapore making noise, and talking, often at the same time!

Next, you have to pretend this generation is messed up compared to your generation.

Last time when we talked, we did so with utmost respect for our elders, as well as a certain quiet dignity.

We never took talking for granted, because we grew up in a more difficult time.

Now, youngsters just talk for leisure.

End with a warning for the problem group, and pass the responsibility to their parents/ employers/ government without ever proposing a solution.

If youngsters continue talking loudly, and having fun with friends, they will never understand how to handle the debilitating loneliness of adulthood.

That's why the relevant authorities should do something about this. ASAP.

Sincerely,

Siao Lang.

Bam, published author right there.

Top image adapted from Straits Times and YouTube

Other articles you should check out:

These homebuyers are so familiar, it’s like us staring at a mirror

These are the things your Team Singapore athletes have always wanted you to know but shy

If you like what you read, follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get the latest updates.