"Where do I start?" Sam mused as he glanced at the camera set-up in front of him in our studio.

It's nerve-racking for a sexual assault survivor to recount —and in the process, relive — how they were violated by another human being.

It gets a bit more complicated when the sexual assault survivor is a male.

As 24-year-old Sam recounted in our interview, it was hard to reconcile his experience as a victim of sexual assault and society's expectations of what it means to be a man.

So tough, in fact, that it can lead to deadly outcomes like, in Sam's case, self harm and suicide attempts.

Entangled in a toxic relationship

When he was 16, Sam got entangled in a "relationship" with Z, his dance group instructor.

Z, who was nine years older, pursued Sam with material goods, buying him gifts and providing him a regular allowance.

"I think this part, I have myself to blame," Sam admitted. "I was enjoying the financial benefits of being with him."

Even though Sam spent time with Z, he maintained that he had always treated Z as his teacher or even a brother, at most. In his eyes, their relationship was neither sexual nor romantic.

Z, however, thought differently.

"He took it to a point where he thought we were really in a romantic, intimate relationship. But that was just very wrong to me at that point in time."

Being the older party, Z was "extremely manipulative" and started to exert control over Sam, dictating nearly every aspect of his life, down to the types of friends he could keep and even what foods he could eat.

This state of affairs persisted for six years, in spite of Sam's many attempts to get out of the toxic relationship.

The most horrifying bit, however, was when Z started sexually assaulting Sam.

Sexually assaulted in public

The first time Sam was sexually assaulted, it happened in public.

The pair were hanging out in Sam's neighbourhood, having a "meaningless conversation", Sam recalled.

All of a sudden, Z slid his hand into Sam's shorts and started groping him before jerking him off.

"I was shocked, but I didn't know how to react, so I just kept quiet."

But on the inside, Sam was processing a lot of fear and uncertainty, as well as the nagging suspicion that what Z was doing was not okay even though Z tried convincing him otherwise.

"He told me 'It's okay. This is normal. Everyone does this.'

So I was convinced that this was normal and people actually do this for fun."

But it wasn't enough to quell the surge of emotions raging inside Sam as he ran home after the assault — anger, confusion, shame, and fear.

Repeated assaults

That was not the only time Z sexually assaulted Sam.

Once, Sam woke up at Z's house completely naked after they had drinks.

"I don't know what actually happened to me while I was asleep, which is scary," he said.

In a state of panic, he started texting people on WhatsApp — perhaps as an instinctive cry for help — telling them that he had woken up at Z's house without his clothes.

"No one believed me," he said.

Another time, Sam had expressed his desire to leave Z — one of his many attempts to free himself over the years.

In return, the latter "begged to have one last intimate session".

This time there was penetration involved, and even though it was technically consensual, Sam said that he only agreed to it because he wanted to move on.

"I was like, 'Okay, after this, you better get out of my life.' I don't know why I agreed to that session."

Aside from these, there were multiple occasions when Z plied Sam with alcohol.

"He would buy me alcohol and when I'm intoxicated, he would touch me and there were successful... attempts."

Then there was the physical assault. It happened when Sam — yet again — suggested that he and Z part ways:

"I told him I wanted out. And he couldn't accept it. He was very angry. I don't think he was mentally stable that night, even. Maybe he was intoxicated, I'm not too sure. So he got really angry, and he just slapped me. I fell and in that moment, I panicked. I was hurt and my face was numb."

"I always thought it was embarrassing to be a victim of sexual assault"

"I mean, I'm a man and I got sexually assaulted. Did I not have the power to fight back?"

For six years, this question plagued Sam. At the heart of it lay toxic and misguided notions of what it meant to be a man.

Men are supposed to be strong and able to stand up for themselves. Men don't get sexually assaulted, nor do they get trapped in toxic relationships.

"That was my mindset back then. That's why I kept all these to myself all those years," said Sam quietly. "It was embarrassing."

But keeping trauma like this to oneself can have devastating consequences.

Sam said that during the six years he spent under Z's influence, he was hardly allowed to socialise with anyone else, and began to retreat into his own world.

The trigger came when his grandmother — the only person he could talk to at home — passed away.

At one go, Sam swallowed several vials of prescription morphine which he was taking for stomach issues.

"I was shivering and my vision was blurry. I couldn't talk properly."

He was rushed to the hospital where they pumped the medication out of his body. The police arrived too, and that was when his family found out about everything — Z, the relationship, and the assaults.

With the help of his family, Sam has lodged a police report against Z (as Mothership understands, investigations are still ongoing) and has begun the process of recovery.

Being sexually assaulted doesn't make you less of a man

Sam has also started talking about his own experience with sexual assault on social media. In a way, it helps with his recovery.

"[People online] see me as someone strong or someone who has been through a lot, and is still like y'know, standing, still going on with life."

@samrotonin #pov ♬ original sound - Static 2.0😄

More importantly, for Sam, accounts like his show the world that there are male survivors of sexual assault and while it may be traumatic, it's not the end.

Being a man doesn't mean that you can't get sexually assaulted and conversely, being sexually assaulted doesn't make you less of a man.

"I hope that if you hear my story, other male victims will feel more encouraged to reach out to someone. It's better to reach out. It's better to act on it before it gets too late and you lose many, many years of your life."

This interview is part of “I AM”, a brand new YouTube series featuring extraordinary individuals who do not allow their circumstances to define who they are.

Watch Sam's full interview here: 

Top images via TikTok/samrotonin and Mothership.

Follow and listen to our podcast here