'I thought about killing my own son': Kate Pang opens up about postpartum depression

She urged people to pay serious attention to postpartum depression.

Joshua Lee | September 29, 2020, 02:46 PM

Actress Kate Pang has some postpartum advice for people around new mothers: Look out for them and offer support.

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看到台湾的弟弟在晒恩爱照,才发现原來今天是七夕情人节🎋,想说也来po个跟安迪的合照,发现手机里面都是前世情人的照片....🤣🤣🤣 - 但全家福也是有浓浓的爱意呢! - @andiechen ❤️ - #kandiefamily #parenting #family #adenchen #katepang #andiechen #averychen #cutebaby #brotherandsister #kids #kidcomedian #momanddaughter #momandson #霏姐 #A等 #andiechen

A post shared by 龎蕾馨 Kate Pang (@katepang311) on

The 37-year-old, who is a mother to six-year-old Aden and four-year-old Avery, wrote an Instagram post on September 29 detailing her experience with postpartum depression.

The portion below is a translation of Pang's post which was written in Mandarin.

Raising kids is such a blessing, but there are also plenty of tears that no one sees.

I remember when Aden was born, I moved to my sister's place and didn't engage a confinement nanny because we wanted to save money. Andie (husband) was filming in Malaysia.

During my confinement, I was suffering daily because Aden would cry for milk every hour. However, I didn't have so much milk to give. Each round of breastfeeding would take up 40 minutes. It wasn't easy to put him to sleep. Whenever he slept, I could catch my breath, eat something, get ready to rest — only for him to wake up again.

Getting two hours of uninterrupted sleep was impossible. The only three days I had proper rest was when Aden was warded for three days for jaundice. But after he was discharged, I couldn't produce enough breast milk. My nipples were also inflamed and bleeding. Each time I breastfed and showered, I was filled with fear. Those who have never suffered from cracked nipples will never understand how painful it is. I also suffered from haemorrhoids during Aden's birth which prevented me from sitting down properly for my meals.

I remember one night when Aden started crying again. Why was he crying? I don't know. I was so tired. I only remember that I had one thought in my mind: If I threw him ruthlessly against the wall, all of this suffering would end. I actually thought of killing my own son.

I screamed. My sister ran over from her room and asked me what happened. I broke down and said I couldn't stand it anymore. She quickly grabbed Aden away from me and tried to calm him down. I was left alone in my room crying, and not knowing why my life seemed so out of control.

The following month, I went through this with my sister's support. I also went online and even called other mothers to find out how they dealt with postpartum depression. I sought help from breast milk groups and was finally able to breastfeed Aden successfully. Soon, I was also able to better adapt to my son's routine and control my emotions. I was finally able to see the light.

This is only an interlude in the entire process of parenting. I have managed to reach the other side, but I believe there are many mothers who are still in the abyss of depression. And there are those who have no way of coming out — this is an outcome that we don't want to see.

Please pay serious attention to postpartum depression. Please pay attention to the mothers around you. Not every mother will scream for help like I did. A sudden withdrawal and silence can also be a cry for help.

I pray that every mother can experience the joys and the pain that their children will bring them, they are all little interludes in life.

Let's put in the effort! We can do it!

You can read Pang's original post here:

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拥有孩子,是一件非常幸福的事,但也有很多别人看不见的泪水。 - 记得刚生完A等的时候,为了省钱,没有请月嫂,住在姐姐家,当时安迪在马来西亚拍戏。 - 坐月子的每一天,我都很痛苦,因为A等一个多小时就会哭着要喝奶,但是我根本没有那么多奶水,每次喂奶也是要喂个40分钟,好不容易把他哄到睡着,可以喘口气,吃点东西,准备要休息的时候,他又醒了。 - 连续睡2个小时,对我来说几乎是不可能的事,唯一可以好好休息的三天,就是A等黄疸住院的那三天。但是一出院,母奶又不够他喝了,不但挤不出足够的奶,乳头也炸开流血,每天喂奶跟洗澡的时候,我都充满恐惧,没有裂过乳头的人,真的无法明白有多痛,再加上生产时的痔疮,我没有一天可以好好坐着吃饭。 - 记得有一天半夜,A等又哭了,到底为什么哭?我不知道,我真的累坏了,我只记得我突然脑海出现一个画面,就是把A等狠狠丢在墙上,这一切就结束了。我竟然想杀死我的孩子。 - 之后伴随的是我的一声尖叫,姐姐赶快从房间冲出来,问我怎么了,我崩溃的说我真的受不了了,姐姐赶快把孩子抱走,哄着不停哭的A等,我一个人在房间,也哭着不知道自己怎么了,我的人生怎么会这么不受控。 - 就这样,撑了一个月,有姐姐的随时支援,加上我疯狂上网爬文,打电话问其他是过来人的妈妈,求助母乳协会,最后终于能顺利亲喂母乳,也开始比较可以掌握孩子的作息跟情绪,我真的拨云见日了。 - 这只是带孩子的一个插曲和过程,我走过来了,但我相信很多妈妈还在痛苦的深渊,也有些妈妈没有办法走过,这是我们最不希望看到的结果。 - 请大家一定要重视产后忧郁症,请关心身边的每一位母亲,不是每一个母亲都会跟我一样尖叫,突然沉默不语,也可能是一种求救讯号。 - 真心祈祷每一位母亲都可以享受孩子所带来的快乐,所有的辛苦,都只是人生的一个小小插曲。 - 我们一起加油💪🏻!我们可以走过的! - #产后忧郁症 #请大家不要忽视 #生完小孩真的不知道自己是谁了 #心疼每一位无助的母亲

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Top image credit: Kate Pang/Instagram.