It’s a Thursday afternoon, and while many kids across Singapore are enjoying their holidays, the hall at Spectra Secondary School is filled with students in their school uniforms.

That’s because Thursday (Dec. 19, 2019) was when the N-Level results were released.

Nervous energy in the air

By the time we got to Spectra, only a smattering of students were left in the hall, waiting to receive their grades along with some indication as to what the future will hold for them.

Observing them seated cross-legged on the floor, there was a real sense of nervous energy in the air. Some stared blankly into space, while others chatted with their friends hoping to distract each other from the weight of anticipation.

The tension broke one by one as each student — some with their parents, some without — made the journey across the hall to a set of desks, where they would be told by a pair of teachers how they did.

One floor below, 17-year-old Nurain Sanusi was in the middle of four media interviews she was to give that day. She too had received her N-Level results.

Always thought of self as failure

And while that level of media interest might suggest absolutely killing it in her exams, at least one person won’t be buying into that hype.

“To be honest, I'm happy (with my results) but a little disappointed,” said Nurain when asked.

“I was expecting to get a higher grade in English.”

To break the ice, we also teased her saying she will probably appear on all the major news headlines.

To that, she said: “I never thought I would have this opportunity. I have always thought of myself as a failure.”

Her reply comes as a surprise, a stark contrast from an earlier briefing that Nurain was an exceptional student who received the 2018 E T Lim Award and the Edusave Award for Achievement, Good Leadership and Service (EAGLES).

To top that off, she was also nominated for the Edusave Character Award this year.

Not always a model student

But she tells us that she hasn’t always been the model student that she is today.

On the contrary, life hit her hard when she was in Secondary Two.

On top of the divorce of her mother and stepfather, the household income was cut further when her mother was forced to quit her job when diabetes took a toll on her health.

Because of the family’s financial constraints, Nurain would often only eat at home after school as she couldn’t afford to pay for her meal during recess.

Worked part-time since she was 15

To support her mother and four other sisters aged between 11 to 21 years old, she began working part-time.

So far, she has held three jobs: A server at an ice cream shop, a banquet server and most recently, a kitchen assistant at a coffee shop.

She says she left all three jobs for various reasons including low wages and long working hours.

At that time, Nurain prioritised making ends meet for her family and ended up skipping school.

“I wasn’t in school regularly. I would come to school for only one or two days (a week).”

Often lonely

She also never had a good impression of school since she was scarred by an unpleasant experience when she was in primary school.

She was discouraged by her teachers who would often make negative remarks and insinuated that she wasn’t as smart as her other peers.

“I used to cry every day whenever I got back from school.”

But even in secondary school, she didn’t have a lot of friends because she didn’t have the means to spend time with them.

While peers her age could hang out after school eating cup noodles, Nurain would rush home to have her fill.

Even though she considers herself to be close to her family, she can’t help but feel alone at times.

“I only have my family to lean on but at the same time, my family was falling apart. So I don’t have anyone to talk to.”

Turning things around

Things started to change in her penultimate year of secondary school, though, when Nurain found her new classmates easier to get along with.

In particular, she grew closer to two boys named Ivan and Joenard.

“They make me feel like I have someone to talk to. Previously, in Secondary One and Two, no one wanted to hang out with me because I didn’t have money.”

When Ivan, who lives with a birth defect that affects his spinal cord, started having to use a wheelchair shortly after becoming friends with Nurain, she took it upon herself to help him get to school.

This involved meeting Ivan at Admiralty MRT Station every morning to push him over the final 10-minute leg of his daily commute to school.

While this daily routine initially caused Ivan discomfort — borne out of a fear that he was being a “burden” — Nurain insisted that it was instead a motivating factor for her to come to school.

“Actually, he’s the reason why I come to school every day. I feel like he’s my classmate and I need to help him.”

She also pays tribute to the teachers at Spectra, who she describes as “supportive” and “unbiased”. She refuses to pick her favourite because “I like all my teachers”.

“Whenever I say (something) about this teacher, then I think I also love this other teacher.”

K-drama fan

So what's next, after her N-Levels?

“I’ve been busy…. Busy with K-dramas,” she said before chuckling.

She perked up when we started to talk about Korean dramas and K-pop idols — a refreshing topic we broached instead of continuing to talk about her academic performance.

She said she seeks refuge in watching K-dramas or listening to K-pop whenever she feels upset or stressed.

Nurain told us that her favourite series by far is Revenge Note and gushed about her current obsession, a boy band called ATEEZ.

Her love for anything Korean is so big, she plans to save enough money to fly her entire family to Seoul for a holiday someday.

“Korea seems like a nice place, I hope I can bring my family there one day.”

Offered conditional placing in ITE

But on a more serious note, here’s what she really is going to do after her N-Levels: Further her studies.

Earlier this year, she was offered a conditional place in ITE College Central’s NITEC in Retail Services.

This may sound like good news worth sharing, but it wasn't for Nurain.

Even up to the point she was talking to us, she said she has not shared this with anyone — not even her family or closest friends.

“Even though it’s good news, I don’t think anyone will bother to hear. To me, no one wants to truly see others succeed. They are just pretending to care for you.”

She does think, though, that perhaps her mother may be proud of her for going to ITE.

She is, after all, going to be the first in her family to pursue tertiary education.

Her peers may be looking forward to their next phase in life, but Nurain told us she is a little apprehensive about starting out afresh in a new school.

“People change, you know. Maybe I will change to be more lazy and don’t go (to school anymore)?”

Even then, she reminds herself to remain hopeful, especially since she wants her younger siblings to follow in her footsteps and further their studies as well.

Remember her not for achievements, but resilience

It’s clear that Nurain’s story goes beyond her academic achievements, a point further reinforced by her response to a question on how she hoped to be remembered and portrayed in the various interviews she’d done.

With a beaming grin, she said: “Maybe for not giving up? I hope this will reach out to as many people as possible.”

In a society that relentlessly pursues and uplifts those with stellar academic performance, Nurain story stands out because her lack of so-called amazing grades and future enrolment in ITE doesn’t make her any less of a student deserving of acclaim.

Instead, what makes her truly exceptional is the maturity, resilience, tenacity and growth she has shown over her secondary school life.

Mature beyond her years

At 17, what we found most impressive about her from our conversation was her strength of character and maturity beyond her years.

Nurain herself is well aware of the value that Singapore's society places on coming from good schools with top marks, telling us of the common perception that Normal (Technical) students have “no future”.

She also told us that many of the friends that she made online through social media platforms would stop talking to her once she told them what school she was from.

“Sometimes they block me, and some people tell me that ‘Oh, Spectra is not a good school’.

But I tell them: ‘So are you trying to say I’m not a good person?’”

In that one line, a simple rejoinder that reveals so much — calling out shallow thinking and flawed character, while also showing her maturity, strength, earnestness and sincerity... entirely unintentionally.

Top image by Andrew Koay