Don't know what obligatory things you need to do on Feb. 14, 2015? Boring sex life?

50 Shades of Grey is exciting -- the movie's out to show you visually what to do -- but you want something with more local flavour? We have you covered.

1. Dribble Katong laksa. All. Over. The. Body

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50 Shades of Grey: Christian and Anastasia from the book use wine as part of foreplay. Sipping it from each other's mouths and dribbling some into belly buttons.

SG50 Shades of Grey: Laksa zhup is hot, so it works like wax. Oh and you might score a hum. Satay sauce was ruled out because of peanut bits.

2. Doggy-style? How about our very own Merlion-style?

50 Shades of Grey: Doggy-style seems to be the preferred position in the movie.

SG50 Shades of Grey: We are not very sure what Merlion-style entails but we imagine it to be like this:

3. Substitute flogging with a real hardcore flogging (ie: rotan)

50 Shades of Grey: A flogger was used on the blindfolded Anastasia

SG50 Shades of Grey: You can substitute the flogger with a rotan. But since the only way you can get a rotan is from jail time, you may have to vandalise some cars first. (We're joking, don't do anything illegal! You can use those canes from the provision shops. Or back-scratchers. Or satay-man fans)

4. Flip each other like pratas

50 Shades of Grey: Christian flips Anatasia on several occasions in bed.

SG50 Shades of Grey: Something many Singapore politicians are familiar with. Flipping pratas that is.

5. No Ben Wa balls? Use Golis (marbles)

Warning: this is a joke. Don't think you can take them out from where the sun doesn't shine.

For the truly hardcore there are also Baoding balls:

6. Interview your lover like how Anastasia did. But do it MSM style

Which means leaving out certain stuff out, we presume.

7. No bath tub? Do it at any fountain

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This is no country for luxurious bath tubs. Proceed to the Bugis Junction (BJ) fountain with care. Do we just say BJ?

8. Shout "Huat ah!" after the deed

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Huat is the officially the most versatile word in the Singaporean lexicon.

Read MDA's version of 50 Shades of Grey during foreplay

Still a better erotica than E.L James'.

9. Complain about the sex

Because complaints will lead to improvement.

10. Tap each other's ass with an EZ link card

Shout loudly at each other's ass: "I can totally tap that!"

"$10 added!"

You can say "Huat ah!" again.

11. End your dirty talk with a "lah"

This could be the most natural dirty conversation ever.

"That was tender love-making, lah."

12. Make your partner wear the SQ kebaya

Ok, guys can just lay it over your naked body. Tada! SQ boy.

13. Create the Kallang Wave

If you know what I mean.

14. Sing Home while doing it

"This is Home truly, where I know I must be.... where the river always flow." Oh yeah.

15. Make each other pay for ERP charges if the sex is during peak hours

You've got to pay a premium if you want it like now.

16. Chope your partner with tissue paper

They will get it. Don't worry. Or you can put a tissue packet on your bed before your partner comes home to signal your intentions.

17. Test your lover's temperament by issuing parking coupons 

Tear wrongly? Sorry, no sex.

18. Warm up with the Great Singapore Workout

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Ok, this is quite kinky and sweaty. Plus, it burns more calories than sex.

19. Make sure you are kiasu about it

Get all the different condoms. Because kiasu. And kiasi.

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