In light of recent events at the Thaipusam procession, there are rumours that a blanket ban on all musical instruments at all public events for all races may soon be introduced... at kindergartens across Singapore.

To quell any suggestion of racial or cultural inequality, please take note of the following stipulations.

1. No musical instruments in kindergarten

To keep things simple, the triangle will no longer be allowed during performances of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, for fear of causing a riot.

There’s always one kid who wants to bang the triangle too loudly and cause a public disturbance. It’s usually the scholarship kid who hires a private MRT train to take his classmates out on school sports days.

2. That’s all instruments, no exceptions

Critics of the ban are claiming that it’s too draconian and have asked for exceptions, such as bells at Christmas and so forth.

But they’ve all got to go, particularly the glockenspiel, because teachers had troubling spelling it.

When the Ministry of Education spokesperson was asked for an opinion on the glockenspiel, he said he had no comment to make about events in Eastern Europe.

3. Well, all right, there are some exceptions

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The drums will not be banned during Lion Dances because they perform a vital public service.

The Lion Dance performances are the only time of the year when we know what our Ah Bengs are doing. It’s the one time we allow them to hit something in public.

4. The Ang Moh kids are all right

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There has been some confusion over why instruments are not permitted at some of our kindergarten performances, but they are allowed at others, such as the St Patrick’s Day celebrations. This point must be clarified.

Some of the Asian performances are foot processions. And St Patrick’s Day is a gathering of expats celebrating the glories of a country they have no intention of returning to. Besides, have you ever tried to organise a foot procession on St Patrick’s Day?

Good luck trying to get them all in a straight line after 10pm.

So it’s unfair to compare the two. One is a celebration of a religion or a cultural festival. And the other is a celebration of Guinness.

5. No eating, or even the smell of eating

Children will be removed if they are found eating during any cultural performances. A couple of kids denied they were eating, but they definitely smelled of curry puffs.

We acknowledge that smelling of food is not necessarily conclusive proof of eating food on the job (we learned this recently after bundling a dozen hawker centre cleaners to the floor.)

But we want to make it clear. We do not discriminate and we do not stereotype. Every kid’s breath will be smelled. The Indians will be tested for samosas, the Malays for nasi padang, the Chinese for chicken rice and the Ang Mohs for anything involving potatoes.

That’s only fair.

6. We don’t stereotype

The idea that we are reinforcing a link between kindergartens and eating is absurd.

We abhor stereotypes. But, just to be on the safe side, yes, public eating laws have been activated around kindergartens.

There will be no public eating around kindergartens. Food cannot be sold around kindergarten areas at various times of the day. Anyone found eating in an area famous for its kindergartens will be punished.

And, to reinforce the public message, there will be signs displaying the food-free zones around all kindergarten areas.

So, quite frankly, we’ve got no idea why those in the kindergarten community feel so paranoid.

7. The races are all equal

No races or cultural festivals are to be considered either superior or inferior to the others in the classroom. The unfortunate comment made by a former kindergarten principal, that his school bus looked like a scene from Mumbai, was taken out of context.

He has many local Indian friends.

Some of his best menial labour workers are Indian. And Slumdog Millionaire is one of his favourite films.

He has promised to treat everyone honestly, fairly and equally from now on, except foreigners of course.

8. The Indians are not being singled out

To be honest, we often forget that we’ve got Indians in the class.

Other articles by Neil Humphreys:

Aussie accent blamed for Sengkang Columbarium confusion

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