There will be no commercial columbarium in Sengkang after all. No one is at fault. There have been no backflips. There was just a minor mix-up in communication.

No one understood the Aussie accent.

According to sources, when the Australian company proposed a Sengkang columbarium, civil servants involved with the tender misheard the proposal and assumed the Aussies were pitching for a new S.League Club.

In the competition’s heyday, there had been Sengkang Marine FC. Maybe Sengkang Columbarium FC was its natural successor.

Initially, there was some skepticism over the name. It did sound awfully like Sengkang “Columbarium”. But when the tenderer insisted that the site would be quiet, isolated and remote, it sounded like a typical S.League stadium.

Sengkang’s town planners put their initial concerns down to an unusual Aussie pronunciation and thought no more about it.

That’s why there was shock and dismay when angry residents put up a petition saying they didn’t want Sengkang Columbarium FC established in their town.

Civil servants knew the S.League was unpopular, but no one had any idea that it was this unpopular.

Some Sengkang residents even went as far as to say that children should not be exposed to such things at a young age.

Even in kindergarten, these kids aren’t going anywhere near an S.League game.

No Singaporean child should be forced to pass a sports stadium at such an impressionable age.

Residents were reassured several times that the proposed Sengkang Columbarium FC would be no different to any other S.League club.

They’d be absolutely no noise and no atmosphere.

But residents could not be swayed. They were convinced that the close proximity of an S.League stadium would lessen the resale value of their flats.

It was pointed out, time and again, that the proposal offered no threat or danger to prized assets.

The S.League died years ago.

And yet, some expressed their displeasure that Sengkang Columbarium FC was being set up as a profit-driven organisation, but the Government quickly allayed those fears. It would not be a commercial enterprise.

There hasn’t been a profitable S.League club for years.

S. League, columbarium, all the same

Finally, the penny dropped. There was no mispronunciation after all. Sengkang Columbarium FC was not a proposed football club, but was indeed, an actual columbarium.

No one had any idea. When the Australian tenderer, Eternal Pure Land, had pointed out that it was not affiliated to any religious organisation, Singapore’s decision-makers had merely assumed that it didn’t follow either Manchester United or Liverpool.

The Australian tenderer is now confused. Its staff insists that the company’s commercial columbarium plans for Sengkang were clear all along. They spoke of providing a quiet, dignified service that would be witnessed only by close friends and immediate family.

Again, it was assumed they were referring to a typical S.League game.

Eternal Pure Land has conceded that it probably didn’t help itself. The tenderer is owned by an Australian company called... Life Corporation.

Life Corporation is a bit of a misleading moniker for a columbarium provider.

One can only hope that there isn’t an Australian antenatal care provider listed somewhere as the Death Corporation.

Singapore’s civil servants are adamant they would have spotted the Aussie ruse much sooner had the name been more upfront and transparent; something like We Take Care of Dead People For Money Corporation.

Those overseeing the tender process are almost certain they would have spotted the Australian company’s real intentions with a name like that.

Almost certain.

Fortunately, the misunderstanding has been cleared up just in time. The Australian tenderer’s hopes of a profit-driven Sengkang Columbarium have been dashed. The residents can breathe easily now. Quite literally.

The Government has assured Sengkang locals that whatever happens beside the proposed Chinese temple, it will be unobtrusive.

People won’t even know its there.

Perhaps they are considering an S.League stadium after all.

Neil Humphreys is Singapore’s best-selling author. His five books on Singapore are among the most popular titles in the past decade. Humphreys also writes extensively for newspapers & magazines in S'pore, Malaysia, Australia and the UK. His new novel Marina Bay Sins will be released here very soon.

Find him on Twitter or his website www.neilhumphreys.net

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