The following stories from Singaporean HIV sufferers are real and unedited — names have been changed to protect their identities, and have been obtained from support groups and shared with us by four Nanyang Technological University undergraduates, who started Paint the Town Red — a campaign that aims to tackle misinformation and stigma of HIV among youths.
1. Not everyone contracts it through conscious decisions.
I’m Kathy, 12, and I was born with HIV. My mum adopted me when I was 2 or 3 and I don’t remember how she told me I have HIV. I don’t know how many meds I have taken in my life. I really don’t like the meds they gave me, it’s nasty.
I have heard people say that people like me shouldn’t even be on this earth but I don’t care what they say. I’m a human being and I deserve to be heard.
[quip float="pqright"]I want to have a crush and have a first kiss without thinking about it. But I’m really scared to have a boyfriend because I know that I can give other people HIV.[/quip]
Sometimes it feels like nobody gets me, but then they’re trying to help me so I can’t really get mad at them. But it really does hurt sometimes and I just wanna be normal, like all the other girls.
I want to have a crush and have a first kiss without thinking about it. But I’m really scared to have a boyfriend because I know that I can give other people HIV.
I want to be married though. I want 3 kids and I don’t want to be a loner. But how can I do all of that when I have HIV, I don’t know if there’s anything I can do.
I’m happy to know other people who are just like me, born with HIV. It makes me a little mad when I see things on TV about HIV and I hope people don’t end up like me, or make a child like me.
My mom makes me laugh about it or she tries. It’s crazy that I am the only one in my family to have it and I thought the only way to combat stigma or prevent gossip was to tell my story first.
2. Straight-A student, he's healthy as can be
I found out that I had HIV a month after my 18th birthday, a few weeks before I was supposed to leave for university in the U.S. I remember thinking over and over again that there has to be some other explanation, there's no way possible I'm HIV positive.
From that day on I’ve been taking HIV medication everyday. I never completely knew what I was taking until I Googled the drugs, only to find out about their side effects and that I had to take them for the rest of my life. When I read that, my heart sank.
What killed me wasn’t the fact that I have HIV but my application to study overseas was rejected. My condition had derailed my dreams. I was devastated that I was treated differently because I have HIV. It didn’t matter that I was a straight-A student. It didn’t matter that my condition was under control. The university just didn’t want a sick kid.
It only got worse from there. The next year, I was fighting for my life in the ICU because of a serious bout of pneumonia. My CD4 dropped to just 40 copies and the doctors were surprised I was even alive. I shouldn’t be, but I fought for my life. I refused to let a virus control me.
[quip float="pqleft"]It didn’t matter that I was a straight-A student. It didn’t matter that my condition was under control. The university just didn’t want a sick kid.[/quip]
I was in ICU three times that year, and my parents were so worried each time, I had to tell my doctors and nurses to never tell them about my real illness. They co-operated and kept my diagnosis a secret. I am thankful for that. With the help of my social workers and AfA, I was back on my feet, up and ready to fight my fight.
During one of my darkest periods, I came across a website of stories about other people living with HIV. The more I read, the more strength I gained from it. I found new strength to carry on with my life. If it’s one thing I learned, it is that hope isn’t magic. It isn’t something sitting around. Hope is something you have to create, and fight for.
I can honestly say that with time it gets easier and I can honestly say I often forget that I have HIV. I'm healthy as can be.
My heart's desires to become a doctor, fall in love and start a family will surely come to pass. HIV has been anything but a death sentence to me, if anything it woke me to sit up and take notice of this beautiful gift called life. With that being said I urge everyone living with HIV to continue to stay strong, healthy, positive and hopeful for the future.
3. A son, a partner, a friend, a university student, a face on the street
I’m a 25 year-old university student. I found out that I was HIV-positive in May 2012, almost 3 years ago, during a routine army screen before ORD. I didn’t know what it was for then, but I received a call from the medical officer who told me that he needed to speak with me.
When we met, he sat me down in his room and calmly told me that I am HIV-positive. I was surprised and shocked, as HIV was not something that I gave much thought to.
[quip float="pqright"]Persons living with HIV are just like anyone else. We’re someone’s partner, someone’s child, someone’s friend, someone’s confidante.[/quip]
Then of course, the next thing that came to my mind was ‘What happens next?’ and ‘Who should I tell?’. Because I knew of my diagnosis in such a quick way -- I wasn’t ready for it.
There were initial difficulties -- more pertinent of it being disclosure. I wasn’t sure who to tell, how to tell it, and when to tell it. When I started medications in late 2013, I had some difficulty in adhering to the timings to take my medication. The first night was a dramatic one -- i woke up in the middle of the night feeling like the world was spinning.
I told my mother on the day I got diagnosed. She took it in well, but I know she was, and is still, worried about my health. I would say she might have been disappointed at first, but I hope to slowly regain her trust. I remember that I broke down in tears after telling her because I felt so bad for disappointing her.
To be honest, not much has changed. I am still a face on the street, a local university student eagerly awaiting graduation, a son, a partner, a friend. Maybe the one thing that has changed is that it has allowed me to take stock of where I am. I began to take things easier and despite having to give up some of my plans, I am now pursuing another dream of mine.
I think HIV in Singapore is something that is “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”, in a sense that we don’t talk much about it. Certainly I would hope to see HIV being brought into the mainstream discourse more often. I think stigma can be eliminated if we know more about it, and reduce ignorance. Currently the impression I get from reports surrounding HIV/AIDS is that it is a scary and fearful thing, and I don’t think fear-mongering helps prevent stigma.
Persons living with HIV are just like anyone else. We’re someone’s partner, someone’s child, someone’s friend, someone’s confidante. Perhaps we may have made some foolish decisions in the past, but that should not be the sole basis for judgement.
Top photo from Thinkstock
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