By Sarah Chew

Welcome to the Singapore fashionista’s purgatory. Here, we examine the top facepalm-worthy trends in Singapore from the dawn of the century. (Warning: prepare to feel guilty.)

1. The slacker flop

What were we thinking? In retrospect, these hairdos made us look so unkempt, tired and constantly in need of a wash. It can’t be comfortable either, to have half a head of hair obscuring the better part of our scope of vision.

Maybe the idea was to have to swivel your head every time someone called your name, and in the process execute a well-practiced hair flip… Those hair flips sure gave you bad whiplash though.

Take exhibit A (above): Singer Ah Du. This is definitely a flop (ahem). Wouldn’t he look so much better with a cropped haircut?

Exhibit B: Taiwanese singer Jay Chou. He still has the same haircut to this day.

2. Wallet chains

Remember this? Of course you do. And don’t think we don’t know — in primary school, you either used to think it looked really cool hanging from your classmate’s uniform shorts… or you were the guy with this hanging from your uniform shorts.

You’d run to the canteen for recess and wait in line with your wallet bouncing from your pocket, and when you’d finally purchased your packet of potato wheels, you’d dash towards the table where your friends were sitting, hitting about five people with your swinging wallet on the way.

Teenagers weren't spared from this either. We used to connect the front of our pants to... the back of our pants? Sometimes, fashion makes zero sense.

3. The Potato Sack

Balance a tight top with loose bottoms, or a loose top with tight bottoms. If you’ve got the confidence, by all means, go for a fitting ensemble.

But this? Just, no.

Whoa, wait. It's gangsta, you say?

What he said.

4. Sex bands

Some years ago, a Brazilian teen was raped after someone broke her sex band. While it seems few take the meanings behind these strange accessories seriously in Singapore, the possibility of anomalous occurrences still exists. This is one trend we hope never returns.

Seems legit.

5. Crocs with EVERYTHING

Looking back, it’s hard to imagine why these rubbery abominations became fashionable at all. Then again, because the cool kids had them, everybody else wanted some of that action. Thankfully, today the cool kids know better.

'Nuff said.

6. Carabiner craze

“Wow, you hung a carabiner on your bag? You must be a mountaineer in your spare time. You’re so badass!” Was this the appeal?

How did this even catch on anyways? I for one remember when carabiners became so popular in school that the stationery shop began selling them. Everyone wanted one, but a dollar of pocket money a day made it hard to afford.

Nonetheless, some kids had one in every colour hung on their bag zippers, pencil cases, wallets and water bottles, as if going to school were some huge expedition.

7. Helmet layered hair

“Safety first, kids! But not to worry – with this hairdo you’ll never need to wear hot, stuffy helmets again!”

Sure, there are always going to be people with bob haircuts and those are fine. But what we don’t understand is how some could have bob hair and long hair, at the same time. When they tied the longer bits at the back, the short chunks would hang from the sides of their faces. It was the bane of every school discipline master’s existence, as it is to ours! Not cute at all.

And don’t forget how everyone used to deliberately leave two tufts of hair out of their ponytails to dangle at the sides of our faces… Literally this face: |||=.=|||

And again with the anime characters.

This is a wig people wear for cosplay, not what people should look like in real life. How non-conducive for facial health, especially in Singapore.

8. Platform flip-flops

Let’s make one thing clear. Platform flip-flops have never been, are not and will never be glamorous. But kudos to those who tried. Maybe next time.

9. Micro denim shorts

So what if the West wears them?

It’s impossible to find a non-offensive picture of someone in these. They are so short, why bother wearing them at all? Extremely inappropriate for walking down Orchard Road in, or any road at all for that matter.

Here’s a thought to make you cringe: micro shorts AND platform flip-flops. Imagine that! #hotmess

10. Deep crotch pants

Can’t touch this. Not that we would want to, of course. This article of clothing is unflattering for all body types. Everything goes into the trash bag, literally.

And all that extra room for… what exactly?

“A super dope homeboy from your hometown. And you know, as such, this is a beat, uh, you can’t touch.”

Um, maybe it works… Maybe… No it doesn’t.

11. Von Dutch caps

Who’s this Von Dutch?

Why did people love it as such?

Openly advertising for a name you can’t touch

Don’t you think it’s a little too much?

All that baby-coloured fluff.

12. Bedazzled tracksuits

Okay, dudes and dudettes. So Ice-T did it, doesn’t make it cool. Sparkly fuzz is not haute couture.

We're pretty sure Paris regrets this particular fashion purchase.

13. Ear sticks

Used in lieu of perfectly nice earrings, these were suddenly all the rage in secondary school, JC, poly — you name it, we saw everyone wearing them, in all kinds of tak-match colours.

And then someone got the brilliant idea to stuff as many as they could inside their poor ravaged piercings. Children, just because they all come in one bag doesn’t mean they are supposed to all fit in one piercing. Yes, enlarged piercings used to be as edgy as few Singaporeans would dare venture, and this was the cheapest way to get there. Still, not a cool look.

And let’s not get started on the rings that started being placed in ear holes… the wrong way.

Your very own, built-in intergalactic portal.

14. Two-in-one layered tops

Please, spare us! Once in a while on the MRT during weekday peak hour, one may happen upon the residue of this terrible trend.

Everyone, collages are things you do with glue, scissors and old magazines, not things you wear on your persons. And next time you want to achieve that smart casual double-layered look, wear smart casual double layers.

You know how some things are designed so badly, they don’t go with themselves?

And while we're on the topic, can we also turn our attention to the equally despicable...

15. Cropped cardigans

I remember every time my teacher walked into class wearing this, I would die a little more inside. (Along another train of thought, it must be really difficult to be a teacher.)

Just stop with the stupid ‘cute’ fashion already!

16. Spiked hair

Don’t lie – you used to wish you had chops like his. Dirty blond spikes with bleached tips? Those were the bomb!

Guess what we’d happily say to this trend now? We dare you… “Bye bye bye.”

17. Dumb graphic tees

And now, a full commentary on a decade of pointless graphic tees.

a)    “I’m with stupid”

Takes one to know one, cowboy. More importantly, the things you choose to wear say a lot about who you are as a person and what you choose to think about. This print screams ‘idle youth’.

b)    “Keep calm and carry on”

The “keep calm” trend erupted very randomly, and before long, everyone was wearing them on shirts, posting them on social media, buying pencil cases printed with them, placing the crown over other rude quotes… Obviously, the original slogan carries good intention, but please, let’s try to be original next time.

c)    “Same same but different”

Again with the clichés. Perhaps it was a social commentary experiment: to have everyone dress the same while being unique on the inside. Yeah, that does make sense. It could even be a little artistic.

But really, let’s get a life, shall we? Why can’t we be unique on the inside and the outside at the same time?

d)    “I’ve got 99 problems but a ________ ain’t one”

Yeah, you know which word was most commonly used to fill the blank, invoking the masochistic objectification of women yet again. Maybe it’s liberating for some men to walk around with that emblazoned on their chests. How distasteful.

e)    “I <3 (have never been to) NY”

Come on, at least be honest. Sure, we are all free to wear more or less whatever we want, but next time, why not wear something that represents your (real) identity and experiences instead?

f)    French text

This is an interesting one. First of all, those striped three-quarter tops (‘des marins’ in French, after what nautical men used to wear) constitute a stereotype most French detest, along with the beret, and the baguette under one arm.

If you’ve never read it, here’s how some francophones responded to the printed texts themselves.

They’re right – everyone, not just Americans, will buy anything as long as it’s inscribed with French.

18. Way-too-baggy cargo pants

In the return of Indiana Joan Rivers, our favourite adventurer, we venture into the depths of our incredulity on our most impossible mission yet, in search of a decent fashion sense.

What a bunch of tomb raiders we were.

19. Low-rise jeans, and the problems that came with them

There was a period when super-low pants were all the rage, and with it came a host of fashion catastrophes.

Among them:

The crack of shame

Don't crack jokes, now — this is serious business.

The not-so-tasty muffin top

Ladies and gentlemen, if your pants don’t fit, don’t force it.

Embrace your body type and find a pair of pants that does too.

If you don't, you may end up with both of the above:

20. The butt-kicking backpack

Limbo limbo limbo, how low can you go? As low as the school bag straps would allow, apparently.

Think about it, all that knowledge, bouncing off our posteriors. Maybe that was our philosophy towards school after all.

More than a bad fashion choice, too-long bag straps hurt your back.

21. 'Invisible' bra straps

This definitely makes the list! By attempting to hide the straps, one would presumably be going for a more sophisticated look. Yet they stand out like a fart in a church.

Clear bra straps immediately sour any outfit.

22. Wristbands for unknown causes

You stand for so many causes! You must have a really big heart.

What’s that? You don’t know what most of them mean?

Here's a nifty chart informing you what each colour stands for. Apparently.

23. An overdose of surfer brands

Ocean Pacific , Surfer’s Paradise, Billabong, Roxy, Quicksilver — are we missing any?

Somehow, surfing brands graduated from board shorts and bikinis to backpacks, files, wallets and pencil cases, and didn’t we know it too.

Aesthetic choices that invoke meaningless references that people follow blindly, and that nobody really likes in the first place, occupy a large portion of bad fashion’s wall of fame.

24. Punk-goth accessories

When impactful symbols become popularised, inflation and mindless consumption dilute their significance.

Such is the fate of everything from the rosary to the skull, all victims to this black-eyelined period in Singaporean fashion.

Catacombs on a clutch: perfect evening accessory?

Oh, and don’t forget all those insanely stuffy leather jackets we used to love so much. Style over comfort, right?

We have a question: would you really consider this style?

Careful, there — you might impale someone.

And last, but certainly not least...

25. The "Kleenex box" bag

A tiny rectangular sling bag made with matte faux leather, with the strap shortened as much as it’d go. They only just accommodated a small wallet and a cell phone (remember the palm-sized ones that had actual buttons), and clung to the back of every gangster-wannabe like some electronic control panel.

The sportier they were, the better.

For the students of the day, we had the upsized versions that mercilessly dog-eared our homework marinated our textbooks in l’essence de leaking bottle. Not to mention the throbbing shoulder aches they gave us from the concentrated weight… why?

So, ladies and gents, own up: how many fashion crimes did you / do you still *gasp* commit in the 2000s? We promise not to judge.

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