PERSPECTIVE: Self-assured and jovial, Jasper Chan meets us wearing standard Singaporean dad attire — a football jersey, bermudas, and slippers. His appearance belies his unconventional parenting journey, which began with being introduced to his now-stepson well before he got married.

Last year, Chan and his wife also welcomed a second son — making a family of four.

This Father's Day, we sit down with him to hear about the hidden joys and struggles of step-fatherhood.

By Jasper Chan, as told to Kelsy Koh

Tell me about yourself.

I’m 29 years old, going on 30 soon. I’m a lawyer by profession.

I am married with two kids – a six-year-old stepson and an 11-month-old baby who is my biological son.

When I first met my now-stepson, he was around three years old. His mum and I were just friends then.

So when we decided to pursue a serious relationship, we entered it with our eyes open. We knew that we had to work on not just our relationship, but also the relationship between me and my stepson.

We started with spending small amounts of time together, like short trips out. I was introduced as “Uncle Jasper”.

The first time I met him, my now-wife asked if he wanted to share some biscuits with me. Blueberry star puff biscuits, his favourite at the time.

And he said no, because I was just a stranger. (*laughs*)

The introduction was gradual and on his terms, from “this guy exists” to “this guy seems fun, I want him to be a more permanent fixture in my life”. We slowly eased him into spending more time with me. It was about respecting the time he needed to feel comfortable around me.

I remember the first time he melted my heart. We had brought him to an indoor playground. My wife left him to me when she needed to use the bathroom.

Back then, he already saw me as a trusted adult and he was okay with holding my hand, but that was all.

That day, for the first time, he asked me to carry him. How could I have denied those pleading eyes and that cute face? To me, that was not just a milestone, but a reflection of how our relationship and his comfort level with me have both improved.

I moved in with my now-wife and stepson after we got engaged, but we eased him slowly into that arrangement too.

I was not officially a stepfather yet, but I was already playing a stepfather’s role.

My interactions with him involved caretaking, alongside my wife — toilet training, showering, feeding and playing. These caretaker duties were small steps that also helped to build our bond.

How did you try to deepen your relationship with your stepson?

He loves going to the pool, playing with water and looking at water features. So my wife and I try to indulge him, bringing him to these places and introducing fun things like water slides to him.

As we spent more time together, we also grew more comfortable with each other. Naturally, our relationship kept improving.

He’s also interested in planets, galaxies, stars, and anything related to astronomy. To keep him interested and entertained, I will read up and talk to him about his interests.

I make it a point to relate to him by trying to share his pastimes and find new common interests. I introduced him to things I am interested in, like Pokémon. His favourite Pokémon changes all the time, but now it's Unown.

I like to encourage his interests where I can, and to experiment with new experiences together. I think that’s part of being a dad.

I want him to experience the fullness of a happy childhood.

I hope that through my efforts, he will realise that, “This person is here to stay, this person is important to me, and this person loves me.”

But I must say I’m lucky, because I entered his life when he was very young and open to changes and learning new things. He wasn’t fixated on certain routines or members of the family yet.

Step-parents have to work extra hard because young children are hardwired to look towards certain adults as their main caregivers.

When step-parents enter the picture, without that blood relation, it’s extra hard to convince children that you can be trusted and relied upon. And that’s tough.

Once, he had a very bad stomach ache while we were out. We had to bring him to a clinic urgently.

He refused to let me carry him. He only wanted his mum.

He was hardwired to think that this stepfather figure, despite being nice, was not part of his immediate family. To him, if he needed help, he needed to look to somebody who is an accepted member of the family like his mum.

I had already been in his life for a year, which is not insignificant in a child’s life. But he only wanted his mum to soothe him and feed him medicine.

I felt so helpless that day. All I could do was pay the bill, because he refused to leave her side and insisted on being carried.

But to contrast that, the moment I felt like a proper dad was when he had Covid.

Everybody else was fine, but my wife was pregnant. We didn’t want to expose her to the virus because it would have been more dangerous for her. I was the only one available to take care of him.

He was very sick, and this time I carried him — he had no choice. We waited in the queue at the clinic, got medicine, and isolated ourselves together.

In those seven days isolating in the master bedroom, I really felt like a dad. I was the only parent around; he looked to only me for help, for reassurance.

We spent time together, had fun. I fed him medicine, patted him to sleep, and checked on him for seven days straight.

Something I kept repeating to him was, “Not to worry, Dad is here. As long as Dad is around, I’ll feed you medicine, and you’re going to get better. Trust me” (That’s what he calls me, because “Daddy” is reserved for his biological dad.)

I felt that was a turning point in our relationship.

Part of being a dad is also self-sacrifice. And that experience was self-sacrifice on my part, because I had never had Covid before.

After isolating with him, I isolated myself for another week because I had Covid. And that was bad, but the self-sacrifice made the experience more dad-like.

How did you feel when he called you “Dad” the first time?

It was weird. It was nice, but weird.

Calling me “Dad” was reflective of our relationship, since we already had something akin to father and son.

But it was weird because I was very young, and the label “Dad” felt a bit old. It came with certain serious responsibilities.

I just needed time to get used to it, and now it’s normal.

What were some of the initial challenges you faced in your parenting journey?

You asked about initial challenges, but they still exist now.

The first challenge I faced was that of legitimacy.

In the eyes of the law, who are you to this child? The answer is, you are nobody when you’re a stepfather.

When you become a step-parent, you realise the limitations of what you can do, even seemingly routine things.

My wife was busy and wanted me to sign a consent form for him to go on an excursion. I couldn’t because it said only parents or legal guardians can consent.

When I bring him to indoor playgrounds, there’s always an indemnity. I can’t sign the indemnity as I am neither a legal guardian nor a parent.

I can’t take him to the clinic for vaccinations which requires a parent or legal guardian’s consent. Using a more extreme example, if he requires emergency medical attention, I wouldn’t be able to consent to it either. I fully understand where they are coming from, but because of that, I can’t do what I am supposed to as a “normal” parent for him.

Another difficulty of step-parenting is the custody and care and control arrangement. I want to create the shared experiences and memories that families usually have when they spend time together. Unfortunately, the joint custody arrangement [between his mum and biological father] means I have less time with him.

I understand that time is important to his biological father too, but that affects how our relationship progresses and how my stepson feels about our family.

Another difficulty of step-parenting is that if I don’t make a purposeful effort to create those shared experiences using our time together, he will start drifting away. We are legal strangers without blood ties. If we don’t make the effort to spend time with each other, our relationship will not improve.

If I don’t try hard enough, the relationship will not go anywhere. And it’s tiring to try constantly.

Then there’s the challenge of balancing everyone’s interests since there are now more people at play.

As a step-parent, I find it difficult to discipline my stepson. Correcting a kid’s behaviour invokes beliefs, values, and expectations, which not all the parental figures involved may agree with.

So I struggle with this — to what extent do I discipline my stepson? If I let things go, am I doing my duty as a parent?

My wife and I try to draw boundaries; when it comes to light disciplinary action, I can do it. But she will take charge of more serious issues, like lying.

When it comes to other sensitive things like religion, that’s a no-go zone. We try to leave it as a protected space — he’s free to choose and I do not impose such things on him.

And I may have preferences for how I want him to be raised, but I can’t say “I want him to go to this primary school” — my views don’t matter as step-parents have no rights and no say.

We have to tread very, very carefully in how we manage him. But how am I supposed to bring him up within such constraints and boundaries?

There are so many things I can’t say, I can’t do. It’s like fighting somebody with one hand behind your back.

How much of this did you know before becoming a step-parent?

Before becoming a step-parent, you only have a vague idea of what it’s like. You wouldn’t really think of such issues until you step into those shoes, encounter them, and realise there was a brick wall there all along — one you just weren’t aware of.

Emotionally, I feel like his dad. My position in his life and the duties I do for him are that of a father’s.

And I understand why the legal barriers are there, but they are artificially constructed and I think we can do better for people who have stepped up to fulfil such parental roles.

How did you prepare for step-parenthood?

Step-parenthood is not something that one can really prepare for, but it is a role that you can commit to doing your best, come what may.

When I started dating my wife, I was fully prepared to take on the stepdad role. But that’s different from being fully prepared to execute everything, because I didn’t know what exactly the obligations entailed.

I only knew that whatever came my way, I would do it.

It helps that I have always been family-oriented. Since I was young, I wanted to settle down and start a family early, if possible.

If I had been more career-oriented, that would have been a competing consideration. I may not have been prepared to make the sacrifices I’m currently making.

When you become a step-parent and take on parental duties at a young age, you give up huge parts of your life. You give up social events, friendships, and your aspirations and dreams, because now you have bigger responsibilities.

Now I have to think about deepening my relationship with my stepchild and wife, and building the family’s bond which now includes the baby. These “big picture” things are more important than what I used to have or dreamed of having.

What I feel is appropriate to do for the kids as a father mirrors what my parents did for me. I had the privilege of a loving and wholesome family, which I drew on to become a good stepfather.

Becoming a stepfather at my age is very unconventional. But it’s a step that I have not regretted.

How do you introduce yourself to others?

When it comes to people I only meet for a short while, I don’t see the need to clarify that I’m his stepfather.

I want him to feel that he is part of a complete and normal family, just like any other kid.

I don’t want to answer questions people ask with, “Oh, sorry, I’m just his stepfather.”

Because I have given that answer before. I said it instinctively.

I beat myself up about that particular phrase, “I’m just the stepfather”. I was very angry with myself because that phrase invalidated my experiences and discounted my efforts in his life.

At the same time, he would have heard and wondered what the difference was.

So I try to tell myself not to say that anymore. When we go out, unless absolutely necessary, I just say, “That’s my son. I’m his dad.”

How do you celebrate Father’s Day with your family?

This is a little anticlimactic, but we don’t usually celebrate Father’s Day in a significant way.

I felt somewhat uncomfortable with celebrating Father’s Day in previous years. Despite my status as his stepfather and what I do for him, I didn’t feel worthy to celebrate Father’s Day because I missed out on the first two-and-a-half years of his life.

It was also partly out of respect to his biological dad. I felt I was intruding into a sacred space, his sacred space.

Having my younger child made me realise how important those shared experiences at the beginning of their lives are. Caring for a child during the first few years of their life, at their most vulnerable, creates a kind of experience and memory no one can replicate.

I was not there to receive him when he was born, I did not feed him milk, I did not cradle him to sleep or sing him any lullabies. I was not there to witness his first flip, his first crawl, his first steps, his first words.

Those experiences are usually what makes a father, a father in the early years of a child’s life. And I didn’t have that with my stepson. In a way, I carried it as a chip on my shoulder and did not feel that I deserved to celebrate Father’s Day.

In 10 or 20 years, when we’ve gone on holidays together, and I’ve seen him graduate and start dating, those first few years won’t matter so much anymore. But when you’re only three, four years in, the first two years are very significant.

The truth is, even though I take care of him every day and we do fun stuff together, there’s always a part of me that still feels like an imposter.

Of course, now there’s greater awareness about how Father’s Day should also be for people who step into parental roles and carry out parental duties.

A more inclusive society can help step-parents more comfortable in their skin.

What are some of your key takeaways from your journey as a step-parent?

My key takeaway: Love is about choice.

During my wedding speech, I requested my stepson to join me because it was addressed to him too.

I carried him, and I remember saying, “You may not understand what a stepfather is now, but I promise you that when you grow up, you will not know the difference.”

I’ve learnt that love and relationships are not about blood ties. It’s about choosing each other every day.

I choose him as my stepson every day that I wake up. I choose to have shared experiences with him, to deepen our relationship, and I will continue choosing him.

And I hope that translates into something that he can feel and understand when he’s older.

People always say that kids can forget the memories you make with them, but they will never forget how you make them feel.

When he’s older and people ask if he felt scared, lost, or isolated amidst the divorce in his childhood, I hope his answer will be “no, because I felt loved. Because my stepdad chose me every day.”

Top photos courtesy of Jasper Chan