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"We had plans together on the weekend, so having to cancel really sucked for me. She could just make new plans but I was stuck there doing drills and exercises and punishments."
Full-time National Service (NS) can place a strain on the strongest of relationships.
For couples who met in school, a two-year mandatory enlistment will be the first time the couple's life stages will be out of sync, with many girlfriends going on to work or further studies while the boys serve their time.
Weekends are especially precious and aren't always available. Dates, and even phone calls, can be hard to schedule.
And the location of a full-time national serviceman (NSF)'s camp means some NS couples are effectively in long-distance relationships within the same country.
So while NS is generally seen as an experience that turns boys into men, it can also turn boyfriends into single men.
This Valentine's Day, hear from three Singaporean couples who made it through and emerged stronger for the experience.
Moving through life stages together
Sheryl, 28, and Suhaimy, 29
Sheryl and Suhaimy got together in 2013, after crossing paths at their polytechnic's orientation camp.
She was a group leader for the freshmen, while he was a graduating senior.
He would go on to enlist in September that year.
The couple did not really discuss how they would manage the strains that NS would place on their relationship before Suhaimy's enlistment in the Singapore Police Force.
But they'd heard stories of how hard it was going to be, he recalls.
Like it or not, NS comes first
The first nine months of NS training were quite intensive.
"I was definitely more moody from being tired from being in camp all week and only having very very short weekends out before I had to book in the next day," he said.
He also had to plan his limited book-out time to make space for family commitments, on top of the dates that Sheryl would plan while he was in camp.
Asked about the tough moments the couple had to endure, Sheryl pointed to the fact that she was often left in the dark about when exactly they would next get to meet.
Once, Suhaimy had nearly made it to the end of the week, when it was suddenly announced that his whole company would not be booking out that weekend.
The exact reason wasn't very clear, but Suhaimy and his bunkmates heard it had to do with a decision by "some high ranking officer".
"We had plans together in the weekend so having to cancel really sucked for me," he said.
"She can just make new plans but I was stuck there doing drills and exercises and punishments."
Tough times don't last
Sheryl recalls that their relationship was strained by the lack of quality time together.
"Miscommunications were common due to the limited communication that we can have," said Suhaimy ruefully.
But Sheryl looks back on that difficult time as one where she experienced the meaning of the phrase, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder".
After enduring those first nine months of training, Suhaimy was posted to a Neighbourhood Police Centre.
"We got to meet more often after," he said. "Things got so much better."
The couple also came up with a creative solution to stay connected despite the constraints.
They each kept a diary, and would use them to write letters and capture their daily happenings. At the end of each week, they could catch up on each other's lives through the diaries.
"[Keeping diaries] was key in helping us feel like we did not miss each other out during our times when he is in camp while I have no idea when he gets to book out," said Sheryl.
The diary entries also meant they always had something to talk about at the end of each week when they got to meet.
Maturing together
Suhaimy doesn't mince words about how his NS experience impacted the relationship.
"We could’ve avoided so many unnecessary arguments due to miscommunication," he said, adding that they could have gotten married "much sooner" than they did.
Still, NS remains a milestone in their journey together — one that saw them walk through different life stages together.
By the end of his time as an NSF, Sheryl had graduated and started work, while he had no plans for what to do next.
He remembers it as "quite a difficult phase of discovering myself plus trying to maintain the relationship".
Through it all, the couple "definitely became closer", Sheryl said. "We did mature a lot together."
"It made us realise that we can work through anything if we trust each other deeply enough," she said.
Sheryl: "It was crucial that I was there watching his final parade after finishing NS. It meant a lot to him."
Their advice for younger couples
Sheryl: "Know that this is just a temporary phase. Trust your partner and always let your partner know you're always thinking of them even though you're not physically together."
Suhaimy: "You can try the journal thing that we did so that your partner will know how you feel at certain periods of your NS journey. It is also nice to look back on it. Be prepared to be teased by your bunkmates, but don't worry about it."
"If we can get through the army, we can get through anything else."
Jess and JJ, both 24
Jess and JJ started dating in 2019, having met by coincidence when they were both interning overseas — in the same country, but for different companies.
"It would have been impossible for us to ever get to know each other if not for the overseas internship," said Jess.
And so it was serendipity that brought them together, which could perhaps explain why — in Jess' words: "We did not discuss on how things would be like during NS. Just went in head first and we trusted the process."
JJ enlisted in May 2020, with Covid-19 restrictions in full swing under Singapore's circuit breaker period.
He, too, recalls "not much discussion" about how the couple would handle his change in circumstance.
"[It was] more of encouraging each other that we can do this together and have faith in each other, embrace the tough times, and encourage each other to push through."
But NS was a challenge that would require more than serendipity.
For JJ, the hardest part of NS was "not being able to be there for each other during tough times, having to miss important dates, and having a harder time communicating".
Covid-19 meant they couldn't meet up in person for the weeks before or after JJ's enlistment, until about a month later when the restrictions were relaxed.
Communication between the couple took on a different tone.
As Jess recalls:
"I guess it became less of having actual conversations to more of expressing our love for each other and missing each other as well. Talking about the things we would like to eat or do together.
Saying things like ‘Wa, today damn tired, I tell you the full story when we meet’ type of conversations."
For Jess, it felt like there were "so many things to be said" that just seemed better saved for face to face conversations than being explained over text.
Jess: "Appreciated having great conversations with him during the weekends, being able to spend time with each other was what we loved the most!"
"Even though I was busy with school and work, I still missed him all the time, so I will always look forward to the weekend so that I can meet him to catch up on our lives," Jess said.
Making up for lost time
On weekends, the couple savoured their meetings, made all the more precious from being separated during the week.
The couple also had a unique way to make up for lost time if they were not able to be together on special occasions like anniversaries and birthdays.
"We'd celebrate twice as much!" says Jess, explaining that they would have a celebration in advance, as well as a belated one.
"We really spend the whole day together and plan for like a date date," recalls Jess, laughing.
Emerging stronger
JJ noted an interesting paradox in the way he transitioned out of NS.
"A change took place in that we are slowly marching into adulthood but we had more time for each other."
Fortuitously, Jess had just graduated. "We were both pretty free and happy to see each other," she says.
Now enjoying civilian life, JJ looks back on his time in uniform as one where the couple learned to cope with each other's absence.
"I believed we emerged stronger," Jess says, agreeing.
"Because to us it's like if we can get through the army, we can get through anything else."
Their advice for younger couples
Jess: "Just have to trust each other and try your best to keep yourself busy while waiting for your partner to book out. Treasure the time spent with each other during the weekends and trust the process. Don't overthink this, it's just NS. Two years very fast one, haha."
JJ: "No need to worry about what is to come, we all know it cannot be avoided, just embrace it, and things will work out just fine. Always try to set things straight to manage expectations and disappointments."
Strong foundations
Husaini and Syahindah, both 23
Syahindah: "The rabbit in the middle was the first ever gift he gave me when we got together in 2017."
"The biggest thing is meeting him less," say Syahindah on the impact NS has had on their relationship so far.
Husaini, who will complete full-time national service later this year, has been on an atypical schedule and it's difficult to find time for dates.
His current posting at the SAF Ferry Terminal in Changi has him in camp for three days at a time, followed by three days off.
This means weekends in camp are a fairly regular occurrence.
Husaini, in uniform, on a landing craft speaking to the vessel's master.
"If he gets a weekend off then we'll have a proper date, if not we'll just have dinner after I end work," says Syahindah matter-of-factly.
It's a challenge, even on weekdays, with the fact that Husaini sometimes does overnight shifts, starting when Syahindah is just about ready to head to bed.
"It's a bit tough to fit our schedules together for a date but we always try our best," she says.
The couple manage this with more texting and video calls when they are both awake.
A little bit of creativity goes a long way
Syahindah recalls how Husaini was able to be there for her while she was going through a "very difficult time" — all while he was uncontactable in the jungle:
"The one person I wanted to talk to most was going through a three-day outfield in the jungle and had no access to his phone. It was challenging, but he surprised me so much because I started receiving random messages of encouragement on Telegram from him.
Turns out he had scheduled the messages before he went into the jungle. That was sweet."
As it turns out, Husaini's NS stint has been formative for Syahindah too.
"Him being in NS taught me to be more independent," she says. "Not that I wasn't already okay, but it gave me time to reflect on myself and my own personal life."
Still, Husaini admits that there are days that get tough for both of them:
"Sometimes, it's hard when she's going through things and I can't be physically, emotionally or mentally there for her because of how draining training or daily ops could be."
"But at the end of the day, clear lines of communications and compromising is key," he says.
Syahindah: "This was early on in his NS days. He got into shooting and stuff from NS so we went to HomeTeamNS for target shooting as a date."
Pressing on to a clear objective
"NS or not, we are both very clear on our goals as partners," says Husaini.
Suffice to say that the couple — recently engaged — have a lot to look forward to in their life together after NS.
It's clear from their responses that they don't feel it has held them back, though.
If anything, the temporary change of circumstance because of Husaini's NS is just another obstacle they're tackling head-on.
"We're both very committed to our relationship and to making it work," says Husaini.
Syahindah adds: "Both of us are confident in our relationship so to put it simply, we will always do our very best to not let anything break our special bond, least of all NS."
Their advice for younger couples
Husaini: "Be very clear if you're tired or not available. Offer some kind of compensation or solution when you can. Small acts of love throughout the day shows that you still think of them. For example, dropping a 'How you doing? I'll reply you later, love you <3' could go a long way. Or ordering them their favourite drink through Grab as a surprise works too. And always communicate! That's the most important thing."
Syahindah: "It's very important to establish a good foundation between your partner and yourself. Even before the guy enters NS, you both have to discuss potential issues that you might face and how to deal with them. If there are any existing problems, solve them before he enters NS. Don't let NS be an excuse because that will just make things worse. And always communicate with each other and be mature when dealing with problems."
Top image courtesy of interviewees