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The other day, I was speaking to a senior who had graduated two years before about how tight schedules and online learning have made it more difficult for me to meet up with my friends, not to mention make new ones.
Having to balance work and studies, I meet up with my friends less often than I would like to and recently, the thought of making new friends seems more and more like a chore to me.
“Wait till you become a working adult. You lose contact with old friends and the chances of making new friends are close to zero,” she told me with a sigh.
As I prepare to enter the workforce, the thought of having to go through it alone fills me with trepidation. How lonely it would be! Sure, maintaining relationships and making new friends in school wasn’t exactly the easiest, but why is making friends in adulthood so much tougher?
Good old days
Remember the times when you could make a new friend just by taking turns on the slide at the community playground? Or the buddies you made when you asked to join a game of "catching" at the void deck?
Children can make friends just by playing together at the playground. Image by Hsiu Lee from Unsplash.
Well, if you're an adult, gone are the days when we could make friends so simply and easily.
It isn’t that we have become uncool or awkward at making friends, but simply because adulthood provides fewer of the fundamental ingredients needed to build friendships.
Studies done by sociologists have shown that “continuous unplanned interaction” — like the random invitation to join a game of "catching", for instance — is needed for people to forge meaningful friendships.
Needless to say, we don’t get that a lot in adulthood.
While the workplace does present opportunities for unplanned interactions, professional norms often impede social interactions between workers, which can make the process of making friends more difficult.
At the workplace, people tend not to share a lot about themselves or their private lives because of the common belief of "I’m here to work, not to make friends" - resulting in workers often interacting in a business-like manner. This can make work a very lonely place for employees.
Children, on the other hand, are exposed to different environments like the playground and spend the majority of their time in school. This allows them to have spontaneous interactions with others.
Adulthood: Goals and responsibilities
In our younger years, our lives tend to be planned out by our parents or caregivers, relieving us of responsibilities that we eventually (sigh) have to undertake in adulthood.
This means that children and students have more time and less baggage to interact with others. And most of their interactions are borne out of pure interest or enjoyment.
As we get to adulthood, our interactions become increasingly task-focused, resulting in relationships that are forged on the basis of completing a goal or assignment. Take for example, a project that has to be completed by a certain deadline. Time constraints and the need for efficiency often impedes social connection, resulting in potential friendships remaining as work relationships.
This could also be the reason why it’s easier for adults to build work contacts as compared to intimate relationships.
Friendships also become less important for a majority of adults in their 20s to 30s because they tend to focus their attention on searching for a romantic partner and career advancement.
Adults tend to focus on career advancement and romantic relationships. Image by Tima Miroschnichenko from Pexels.
Such commitments typically stem from a desire to settle down or raise a family.
In fact, research has shown that the social circles of adults tend to shrink around the age of 25, with women initially losing friends at a faster rate than men.
And no, this decline in number of friends doesn’t stop here — it continues for the rest of your life, or at least until retirement.
So if you’re thinking of BTO-ing with your better half, don’t forget to think about your friends and give them a call sometime.
The problem of trust
One of the main factors which may hinder our friend-making journey is a lack of trust when meeting new people.
Research has shown that adults find it harder to put their trust in someone new and fully invest in a new friendship as compared to when they were younger.
Students and children are more trusting and less prejudiced of others, making them more open to interacting with different people. In addition, students are also likely to spend more time around their classmates and friends which thus makes it easier for them to trust and maintain friendships.
Students spend the majority of their time with friends. Image by Akson from Unsplash.
As adults then, the life experiences accumulated throughout our youth and adulthood have made us more self-aware, which is not necessarily a bad thing. But this also means that we’re more aware of judgement, of the hurt from being rejected, and a whole lot of other things that have made us more wary of forging new ties.
Perhaps that’s why many adults prefer to keep to their circle of old friends, given the trust they have built up over the years.
But not all friendships will last. Given how we are burdened with responsibilities and are in pursuit of different goals, working adults often lack the time to maintain relationships as well.
The science behind why it’s essential to make friends
Solitude may be a wonderful thing (not gonna lie, I love it too); some people thrive on solitude.
But if solitude morphs into loneliness, it can negatively affect our physical and mental health.
Scientific studies have shown that loneliness has the same impact on mortality as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, which is even more unhealthy than obesity. On top of that, loneliness can also make us more susceptible to developing Alzheimer’s disease as well as a higher risk of heart disease.
In terms of mental health, lonely people are more likely to experience depressive episodes and anxiety symptoms, which all add to the risk of suffering from a premature death.
Now, many of you may think, “I already have a strong group of friends, I don’t need to make new ones.”
Fair enough, if you’re an introvert like me you’d believe in the principle of “quality over quantity” too.
But it’s actually essential for us to have more than one support system in order to lead a happy and fulfilled life.
Individuals who establish more quality friendships have more holistic interests, are more resilient when faced with challenges and are also more open-minded when interacting with people from different backgrounds.
In addition, having friends from different friend groups can also help us handle various adversities that occur in life since we are given more perspectives and opinions to aid us in making better choices in life.
(Shout out to my best pals for your wise counsel that helped me avoid the many bad decisions I could have made!)
Social media and friendships: A boon or bane?
In today’s world, social media has become an indispensable part of our lives. Ironically, while social media has allowed us to connect with friends anytime and anywhere, it has also made us more isolated than ever.
Social media has made us more isolated than ever. Image by Ahmed Nishaath from Unsplash.
With busy schedules, social media has become our go-to to be updated about the happenings in each other’s lives. Instead of spending time together, we thumb through our social media feeds, with likes and comments as the only form of communication in lieu of real life connection — almost like subsisting on junk food instead of proper food.
This lack of a tangible, physical connection can hinder attempts to forge authentic relationships. Research has found that it takes 50 hours of shared contact for one to move from acquaintance to casual friends. To become a close friend? A whopping 200 hours is needed at least.
That said, daunting as it may seem, forging a new friendship is not entirely impossible.
How do I start making friends?
If you’ve decided to try meeting new people and making some new friends, your first step is to ditch the belief that friendships happen by luck.
One study found that the belief in friendships occurring organically was related to more loneliness five years later.
To start off, try joining interest groups to meet new people. This could mean joining a baking class at your neighbourhood community centre, or a photography club to meet like-minded individuals. Alternatively, apps like Bumble BFF and Lunch Kaki are also available to help you to seek out people with similar interests.
Screenshot of Bumble BFF (right) via and Lunch Kaki (left) via Kakis.
With this in mind, the next step to take is to put yourself out there. Be intentional about making friends and make the ask to exchange contact information when you feel like you’ve connected with someone. If you don’t ask, you don’t get!
But this is easier said than done, I know.
To get over this initial shyness, assume that people already like you. Assume that future meet-ups will go well — you will be amazed at how this can build up your confidence when approaching new people.
Build friendships 10 minutes a day
If you’ve made it this far, don’t stop there yet.
Take the initiative to invite your co-worker for a coffee, or introduce yourself to others at your yoga class. You don’t have to go sky-diving or bond intensely over your shared love of chess to solidify a new friendship. Instead, try sharing a funny TikTok video, a meme or simply a quick call to check-in on them.
Don’t get caught up in how much time and energy it takes to build a friendship; 10 minutes a day is all you need to do so.
Group friendships
Maintaining one-to-one friendships may be difficult for time-strapped individuals, so an alternative would be to shift the friendship to a group endeavour.
Group friendships are easier to maintain and are more sustainable. Image by Kindel Media from Pexels.
Group friendships are more sustainable than individual relationships since someone in the group can reach out to all parties, which can encourage us to find time in our busy schedules to keep in touch with each other.
Try to organise regularly scheduled group activities like a potluck, or a weekly bike ride as planned interactions so that everyone can meet and catch up with each other. So go on, ask that co-worker or acquaintance in your gym class for their contact.
And after you’re done with this article, log off immediately and go spend some quality time with your friends in real life.
Top image by Trung Thanh from Unsplash.
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