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As Singapore starts relaxing Covid-19 restrictions, there is a growing air of anticipation among restless couples who are itching to send out their invites to the phenomenon that strikes equal parts joy and fear in the hearts of Singaporeans: The Wedding Banquet.
And the invites are arriving in a furious flurry of cursive fonts and sappy photos.
Just within the span of two weeks, I received invites to four wedding banquets that will happen over the next two months.
The arrival of wedding season (and the Wedding Banquet) strikes both joy and fear in the hearts of Singaporeans. Image via.
"Wah lau eh, confirm broke," said a friend.
However, the solution (to me at least) has always been quite simple: You just don't give an ang bao.
I didn't say this then because it isn't a popular opinion; I often receive dirty looks whenever I say this out loud in public. So give me a few minutes to explain.
Why you shouldn't expect an ang bao from a guest
First off, I need to qualify: Being invited to a wedding dinner is a real privilege.
I don't get to eat five-course meals every day. So having the opportunity to enjoy (mostly) good — and sometimes exotic — food is a welcome vacation for my commoner tastebuds.
There are other nice things about wedding dinners: Dressing up and catching up with other similarly dressed-up friends in a fancy hotel or restaurant. All in all, a great experience.
Being asked to join your friends in celebrating their wedding is a real privilege. Photo by Trung Nguyen from Pexels.
But more than that, it is also a privilege to be invited to witness and celebrate your friends committing to one another.
Receiving a wedding invite from a friend tells me that my friendship and presence is valued and, as per the invite, the happy couple wants me there to "celebrate their love". You can't put a price on these things.
So you can imagine why it's a bit jarring that you want my presence at your special event and you also expect me to pay.
And not just that — some couples expect their guests to pay for their "share" at the banquet table, which can go up to S$370 according to this Wedding Ang Bao Rates Guide 2022 by Singapore Brides (it's the Sunday dinner rate at Capella Singapore, in case you're wondering).
Thanks for the invitation but nope, I won't give you an ang pow to cover the cost of your wedding banquet. Image by Joshua Lee.
It is absurd, especially if you consider that you wouldn't do this to guests whom you invite to your house for dinner. You wouldn't expect them to cough up money to cover the groceries, or the time and effort you spent slogging over the stove.
On the flip side, what if your friends can't afford their share of the table at your wedding banquet? Are they not invited to your (hopefully) once-in-a-lifetime joyous event?
"But your ang bao will help the newlyweds cover the cost of the banquet."
Well, in that case, they should go for a cheaper option, one which they can hopefully afford — to cover on their own.
"But the wedding banquet isn't even the newlyweds' idea, it's their parents who want it."
This, to me, is a terrible excuse.
Of course, I understand that some couples face immense pressure from their parents to hold lavish wedding banquets. But it seems a little iffy that I should be expected to shell out S$300 plus just because you can't say no to your parents, or at least persuade them to reach a compromise.
"But it's rude to turn up at a wedding dinner empty-handed."
This, I agree with 100 per cent, thanks to years of nagging from my mother. Which is why I always ask if I can bring a gift, instead of an ang bao.
The case for a wedding gift
Aside from being a tad more personal and thoughtful than cold, hard cash, a wedding gift carries a message: I want my gift to tell you that I care.
I care enough to want to meet your needs (or wants). I care enough to spend time to think about what would meet those needs. Or at the very least, I care enough to ask how I can meet those needs.
My friend, S, is holding her wedding banquet this month, nearly two years after her wedding ceremony (thanks Covid-19), and within the span of that time, she moved into a new house and had a baby.
I knew that as a new mother and a new owner of a house, she might require certain household or parenting items.
And sure enough, she said: "Cutting boards!"
Specifically non-plastic, non-wooden cutting boards, which are apparently safer for the whole family because they won't harbour so much bacteria.
It's a win for everyone. S gets the durable, hygienic chopping boards that she wanted, I get to give her something thoughtful (and practical) to celebrate a new chapter of her life.
And to cap it off, it was within my budget.
But even if the wedding gift from a guest doesn't fulfil a particular need (or want), does that make it any less valuable, especially if it was given in all sincerity?
I recall — very vividly — the look of consternation on a friend's face when I suggested reading a poem or playing a song as my wedding gift to her a couple of years ago.
Spending within your means is sexy
For far too long now, lavish (and expensive) wedding dinners have become a standard tool that couples wield on their quest for "face" or because they find it justifiable to splurge since guests are likely to share the costs.
And as a result, wedding dinners have become largely transactional affairs that continue to propagate an unhealthy, materialistic attitude towards weddings and gift-giving.
But do you know what is sexier than a 8-course wedding dinner at a 5-star hotel, featuring a life-size ice sculpture of the couple? It's the wedding celebrations of a couple who spends within their means and chooses not to impose on their guests in the name of friendship.
Wedding dinners have become largely transactional affairs that continue to propagate an unhealthy, materialistic attitude towards weddings and gift-giving. Photo by Christian Diaz on Unsplash
In today's uncertain world, we all need to exercise a little prudence to safely ride out the storms of runaway oil prices and mounting inflation.
If you can afford a luxurious hotel wedding banquet, by all means, go ahead. But if you can't, perhaps consider scaling back a little instead of depending on your guests to "cover cost".
Better yet, be open to receiving thoughtful gifts (that are within your guests' budgets) in lieu of red packets. It's a much better deal for your guests — and your friendships — anyway.
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Top images via Ritz Carlton and via.