Same experience not necessarily needed for empathy: Marriage & Parenthood Reset chair Indranee Rajah responds to comments about single status

"You don't necessarily have to have exactly the same experience in order to empathise," Minister in the Prime Minister's Office Indranee Rajah said in response to comments regarding her appointment to chair the Marriage & Parenthood Reset Workgroup.

This is a governmental workgroup tasked with tackling Singapore's falling Total Fertility Rate (TFR), with the comments honing in on the fact that Indranee is a single woman with no children.

Indranee made the remarks on a podcast with Rachel Lim, co-founder of local fashion brand Love, Bonito, where she also addressed recent controversy over her use of the term "detour" to refer to having children.

Being chair of Workgroup as a single woman

During the podcast, Lim asked, "There are also people who look at your appointment and also wonder about the fact that... you're a single woman without children leading this national conversation on marriage and parenthood. How do you sit with that tension?"

"Actually, I take it very matter-of-factly," Indranee replied.

She shared that there "just hasn't been the right person, right time".

"So, my life trajectory is such that I'm single and that's fine, that's for me."

Importance of family from life's experiences

Indranee noted that her life's "first-hand" experiences have impressed upon her the importance of family.

She recounted the family members she lost "along the way", including her dad, sister, brother and most recently, her mother.

"You feel that absence, which is why I would hope and want for Singaporeans to be able to have families of their own, so that they can be surrounded by that same love," the minister remarked.

The minister also commented that having the same experience isn't necessary for empathy.

"The key thing, as far as I'm concerned, is that you try to really understand... where their concerns are, and how we can do our best to support them," she said.

Women taking 'detours'

Indranee also addressed negative comments surrounding her remark to the media that women taking career "detours" would be a marker of the workgroup's success.

Clarifying her remark, she was told that "detour" implied that they took a "wrong path", and that was "not the intention at all."

"By 'detour', effectively I meant time out, take a pause, have a different season. You can choose any of those phrases or terms, but it was just meant to say that we should try to find a way where [mothers] don't feel so impelled that they really must come back to work so soon, and that employers will be understanding."

Marriage and parenthood as personal choices

Lim also shared with Indranee that many of her colleagues, who are single or married, opined that they have "built lives that they genuinely love" and have that "kind of freedom that feels hard-won".

"What would your response be to them, because they see having a kid as... not just a financial cost, but a cost to their quality of life?" Lim asked.

Indranee shared that she understands where they're coming from, especially if they want to enjoy things "at the prime of your life".

However, she urged marriage and parenthood be "given a chance".

"The question though is, is there something else which would also give you great satisfaction, and joy and fulfilment? And if there is, such as marriage and parenthood, give that a chance."

Biological clock

While they are a matter of personal choice, Indranee also remarked that those making the choice should bear in mind that "nature and biology have a clock of their own".

She pointed out how there have been instances where people wanted children, but have left it a bit late and "[encountered] challenges".

She reiterated that everyone makes their own decisions, and it comes down to a question of whether it's possible to have a family life and children while also enjoying "those other things".

Babies born out of wedlock and baby bonus

Lim also raised the issue of babies born to unwed mothers and their ineligibility for the government's baby bonus scheme.

She then asked the minister for her thoughts on this and whether there are "conversations internally" to redefine who gets the baby bonus.

"Right now, it's tied to marriage by design. Is there a conversation around who deserves support in this sense?" Lim asked.

Indranee replied that this matter has been brought up often, and explained that the "original intent" of the baby bonus was that it was "designed as an incentive".

"And if it's positioned as an incentive, then it's also hard for the government to say that we would like to incentivise you to have children out of wedlock," the minister said.

She went on to say that the government recognises that every child "needs support" and some single mothers "need more support" as their families might not be "willing to be supportive".

She also pointed out that "more and more things" have been extended to single, unwed mothers and their children over the years, such as the child development account.

Societal values still matter

Lim then pressed Indranee on the matter, suggesting that the baby bonus was designed as an incentive for people to "have kids" and for a "married couple".

"Well, you see, once you say designed to encourage you to have children, then our societal values are still such, I think, that not everyone is comfortable to say we encourage you to have a child, irrespective of marriage status," Indranee replied.

"So that has been the issue so far, but recognising that they've needed housing, that they've needed financial support," she continued.

She gave the example of how single persons are allowed to buy flats.

The minister ended by saying that the government "will continue to look at this to see how children can be supported" and see what can be done to make sure "every Singaporean child has the opportunity to progress".