S’poreans in their 20s & 30s come clean about careers, parental expectations & mental health

Are you a Singaporean in your 20s or 30s?

If so, are you a self-professed workaholic?

Or perhaps you are someone who prioritises work-life balance and a healthy amount of time with your family and friends.

Some of you may have even opted out of the conventional Singaporean route of securing a good job and settling down by a certain age.

Regardless of your priorities at this stage of your life, you might be able to relate to the struggle of having to juggle personal and professional commitments, alongside the pursuit of your own life goals.

Some of you might even be facing the additional burden of parental expectations that do not align with your own personal beliefs or aspirations.

We spoke to three Singaporeans in their 20s and 30s to find out how they have been balancing work, parental expectations, as well as their personal relationships and life goals.

Here’s what they shared.

Pursuing a career in media despite mother’s wish for him to become a lawyer like her

S is a 25-year-old fresh graduate working in the digital media industry as a writer.

His personal life goals include making enough money to enjoy a comfortable standard of living and pursuing his hobbies in creative writing and filmmaking.

When S was deciding on what to study at university in 2018, there was quite a bit of conflict between him and his mother.

As a family lawyer, S’s mother wanted her son to go to law school, but S was reluctant because of a lack of interest and the industry’s notoriety for not having good work-life balance.

Despite this, S still gave his mother’s wishes a shot by informally interning at a few law firms.

After finding the experience unfitting for him, S decided to pursue a degree in English literature instead.

Initially, S’s mother was anxious about his decision not to pursue law, and was unsure about what kinds of jobs he could land with a degree in English Literature.

Although S and his mother bickered over his decision, she eventually came around after seeing colleagues of hers leave the field due to burnout, and others making a mid-career switch into the profession.

It was then that S’s mother realised that career development today does not have to be as linear or straightforward as it was in the past.

S’s choice to go into the media industry and pursue his passions was also made possible because his mother had planned for her retirement and told him not to worry about supporting her when she gets older.

If his mother did not have any savings to tap into, S would have definitely needed to get into a more lucrative profession due to financial concerns.

In line with his belief in work-life balance, S has made it a point to spend more time with his mother despite his busy working schedules.

To S, it is also important to make the few moments that he has with her count.

Dropped out of university, now working part-time and focusing on bettering his mental health

J is a 32-year-old single who is currently staying with his parents and three brothers.

His personal life goals include re-pursuing a degree in psychology or social work and working in a helping field after that, as well as improving his existing relationships with friends and family.

In 2014, J dropped out of his psychology course in university after experiencing burnout, to the dismay of his parents and brothers.

At that point, J’s family struggled to understand why he wanted to drop out of university and why he wouldn’t open up to them about what he was going through.

J explained that he did not open up to them about his issues because he did not feel safe to do so and was afraid that they would judge him.

His temper tantrums and mood swings also made him feel ashamed and like a burden.

It was only after J started going for private counselling sessions in 2020 that he felt more comfortable opening up to his family and his relationship with them improved.

Has to be a caregiver for his mother, along with his father and brothers

During the Covid-19 pandemic, J’s mother was diagnosed with right lateral sclerosis, a condition that has since required her to have assistance with walking, toileting and day-to-day activities.

As a result, J, his father and his brothers had to take turns with caregiving responsibilities.

While J was saddened by his mother’s physical inabilities, he also felt annoyed (and then guilty for feeling annoyed) at having to help her do simple things.

There were plenty of days when J had to wake up in the middle of the night to bring his mother to the bathroom, which resulted in poor mood and lack of sufficient rest for him.

His lack of sleep made it difficult for him to focus at work at times.

Fortunately, things have gotten better now that J’s family has engaged a full-time helper.

For the past one-and-a-half years, J has been working part-time as a data coordinator at a market research firm.

While J’s parents have not communicated any expectations of him on their part, J wishes that they would prioritise their own wellbeing over his.

In fact, working four days a week has allowed J to prioritise his mental health and personal hobbies, as he has been diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety.

He feels that it may be difficult for his parents because being a parent encompasses a large part of their identity to the point where they have difficulty envisioning themselves as anything other than providers.

If there is any advice J has for people who are struggling with their mental health, it would be to find a support system with whom they can be vulnerable with.

This can be a professional, a family member or a friend who listens without judgement and validates your emotions.

In the future, J may consider working more once his mental health stabilises and he can cope with the stresses and demands of a full-time job.

Shouldering a large bulk of the household bills after her mother stopped working and sisters went overseas

T is a 30-year-old senior executive working in the F&B department of an integrated resort in Singapore.

Her life goals include getting married to her boyfriend and raising a family with him, before eventually retiring to volunteer as a social worker-without-borders.

Ever since T was 15, she had dreamed of entering the F&B industry as a chef, against her parents’ hopes for her to pursue a more financially lucrative path, ideally as a doctor or lawyer.

This is because many of T’s relatives had pursued jobs in areas such as banking, medicine and accounting and T’s parents believed that if she had these “dream” jobs, she would have an “easier” life and not have to worry about money.

When T eventually decided to go to culinary school, her parents would tell her things like, “There is no career after this” or “You will regret it”, and even tried to gaslight her with phrases such as, “Did you think about how it would make us feel if you went after your dream job instead of what we want you to do?”

During the starting years when T pursued her culinary education, her father also did not speak much to her and often gave her the cold shoulder.

T’s relationship with her parents during this period was not the healthiest because they would not talk things out.

It was only after T graduated with grades that were good enough to clinch a university scholarship and her parents saw how passionate she was about her dreams that they eventually came around.

Currently, T’s father works as a senior physiotherapist assistant in an old folks daycare centre, while her mother has been retired for two years.

As both of T’s older sisters went abroad to be with their partners, T has had to step up in their place to assume many of the household responsibilities.

This means that she has had to shoulder a large bulk of the family’s household bills in their absence, which has been stressful because she is also trying to save up for her own future.

While T’s salary is able to meet her personal needs, having to shoulder the household bills has made her relationship with her parents much more tense as she is under immense stress whenever they expect her to transfer money to them on-demand.

As the youngest of three sisters, T also feels indignant that she has to shoulder these family burdens by herself while her older sisters are abroad, pursuing their dreams.

Thankfully, T has been able to rely on the support of her boyfriend and close friends to deal with her frustrations at home.

If there was any advice T could give to others in a similar situation as hers, it would be to have open and honest conversations with one’s parents about their expectations and one’s own ability to provide for them, especially if they are still living with them.

What’s your story?

Speaking to S, J and T showed me that different people have different parental expectations and personal aspirations, depending on their circumstances, upbringing and life experiences.

As someone whose parents have planned for their retirement and allowed me to pursue my own path in life, I related to S’s sharing the most.

However, I understand that not every Singaporean may be as lucky to be in the same boat as us.

Like T, some Singaporeans may have to delay pursuing their own life goals to meet their family’s needs, whilst others may or may not ever realise their life goals, like J.

Instead of choosing one over the other, it might be time to rethink how we are choosing to balance the demands of career, family, and personal well-being in our lives.

This is a sponsored article by the Ministry of Social and Family Development.

Top photos from Mothership