Thankful I'm still breathing: S’pore woman, 38, went from wanting to die to fighting Stage 4 rectal cancer

Sometime in 2020, Kate Tan found herself on the ground crying, asking herself if she should take her life that day.

It was probably her darkest moment, she said.

Today, the 38-year-old has a new battle: Stage 4 cancer.

But she is happier than she has ever been, and refuses to accept her diagnosis as a "death sentence".

"Every day is a gift," she said. "It's about… life getting 1 per cent better, every day."

How did this happen?

History of depression

Her first major encounter with depression came as a first-year undergraduate business student at the National University of Singapore (NUS).

"I looked like I was doing okay on the outside, but on the inside, [it] was pretty bad," she said.

She described depression as a "dark cloud hanging over [her]", which "just doesn't go away".

She was staying in university hall at the time, and although she did have good friends, she felt a persistent, deep-seated loneliness.

"I had really bad insomnia, so I wouldn't sleep for three to four days in a row...

I tried to OD (overdose) on Panadol once. But luckily I threw everything up."

Rock bottom

After that episode, she sought help and began taking antidepressants.

For a while, she stabilised. But then, during Covid-19, her husband and partner of 11 years suddenly disappeared.

"Nobody knew where he went," she said.

It was only later she learnt that he had borrowed money from loan sharks. They even showed up at her door.

"I didn't tell my parents, I didn't tell my friends because it was really, really shameful for me," she said.

Due to social distancing restrictions, people weren't meeting up. She'd just quit her job, had to deal with the loss of her partner, and felt "isolated" in her grief.

And then one day, she was on the ground crying. "I was like 'Should I just take my life today?'" she recounted.

"Because it was really hard for me... I felt all alone."

Grounded despite pain

Tan gives credit to her faith for grounding her despite her pain.

On the day she contemplated ending her life, she remembers feeling "someone hug [her]" while she was on the ground.

"I was like, okay, this person up there has got my back... [so] I'll just keep going," she said.

As it turns out, that would not be her last brush with death.

A year ago, Tan was diagnosed with stage 4 rectal cancer.

Blood in her stools

The first warning sign? Blood in her stools.

"I didn’t think it was that serious," the Fashion For Cancer (FFC) ambassador said in a Jul. 31 Instagram post, adding that she also experienced bloating and fatigue.

Despite observing that the bleeding occurred regularly, she chalked it up to stress and a busy schedule, telling herself it was "just haemorrhoids".

But when she finally got it checked six months later, she was told that a tumour had been found in her rectum. She had cancer.

She remembers how her mother, who was with her, was "devastated" at the news.

"She just started crying... and continued crying for the next few days...

I remember she was waiting outside [during a scan], and I peeped out [of the machine] and she was just sitting there crying."

Fighting for her life

Tan never expected that years after not wanting to live, she would end up having to fight for her life with a stage 4 rectal cancer diagnosis.

Apart from being painful, it was a long and expensive battle, costing over S$200,000 in total. 

In less than five days, she met with a surgeon, sought a second opinion, and consulted three oncologists and two other cancer specialists.

She then went through five rounds of chemotherapy and 30 days of targeted radiotherapy, before going through surgery to remove the tumour and 10cm of her rectum.

That was not the end of it.

After the surgery, Tan had to live with a temporary stoma bag for six months.

She also had to receive more radiotherapy on her right lung as the cancer had spread there, and another three rounds of chemotherapy.

After each cycle of chemo, Tan would usually be bed-bound for about a week, unable to move her hand because the drugs had damaged her veins.

"I think that's the hardest part... the physical pain," she said.

Zero-day plan

Despite the struggle of physical and mental pain, she considers the past year "the best year of [her] life".

"I used to have a five-year plan, and then now I have a zero-day plan," said Tan.

"Today I wake up and I'm like, what should I do today? …What's the impact I want to make?"

She described herself as "self-focused" in the past, often grappling with feelings that her "life sucks".

But when she started looking around her, she realised she had a roof over her head, even amidst her cancer diagnosis.

Tan said: "My family loves me. I've got friends... Every day I wake up, and I'm like, thank you that I'm still breathing."

It takes about four to five years before she will be fully in remission. In the meantime though, she intends to continue living her life to the fullest.

Today, she is pursuing a two-year Masters in Communications at NUS with her best friend.

She will also be participating in a 10km race for cancer in September 2026, and plans to return to rock climbing (which she did regularly before her diagnosis) soon.

Fashion For Cancer ambassador

It's also why she decided to become a FFC ambassador, after the organisation reached out to her.

The show will see her donning an outfit from The Missing Piece and walking the runway during the FFC Charity Fashion Show 2026 on Aug. 29 at The Westin Singapore hotel.

Walking for FFC, admitted Tan, feels "very scary".

"But it also shows that, hey, you know what? ...Even though my body has gone through this, and even though it's not perfect, I'm still gonna walk and show people that you still can do it."

She also wants to share with people that cancer is not a death diagnosis. Tan, herself, certainly hasn't given up.

The best part? Following a recent scan, Tan updated in an Aug. 20 Instagram post that her cancer markers are low and the nodule in her lung is gone.

She told Mothership on Aug. 22: "I'm really relieved with my clear scans, feeling very hopeful and will do my best to rebuild my physical health from scratch.

"My next PET scan is in November, but I'm going to take it one day at a time, and not waste the time that I've been gifted!"

Helplines

If you or someone you know is in mental distress, here are some hotlines you can call to seek help, advice, or just a listening ear:

National mindline.sg Hotline: 1771 (24 hours)

National mindline.sg WhatsApp: 66691771 (24 hours)

SOS 24-hour Hotline: 1-767

Singapore Association for Mental Health: 1800-283-7019