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4 difficult questions to ask my parents while they’re still alive & well, from an only child in S’pore

Always good to plan ahead.

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January 17, 2025, 05:00 PM

Conversations about death and illness can be uncomfortable, but as our parents get older, it’s necessary to have open and honest discussions on how we should approach the inevitable.

Rather than waiting until it’s too late, I’ve decided to raise four important but slightly difficult questions for my parents while they’re still alive and well.

And yes, I believe you should probably ask your parents these questions too.

#1: “If you can no longer speak for yourself, who should make decisions on your behalf?”

What happens if and when our parents can no longer make decisions for themselves?

I’m encouraging my parents to make a Lasting Power of Attorney (LPA).

Making an LPA will allow my parents to appoint trusted person(s) to make decisions on their behalf regarding their personal welfare and property and affairs should they lose their mental capacity. This would include decisions on what to do with their property, who can access their financial accounts, as well as medical related matters.

Besides this, making an LPA will not only potentially save my family time and money but also provide peace of mind for my loved ones.

Anyone who doesn't have an LPA and subsequently loses mental capacity will require someone to apply to the Court to make decisions on their behalf – a process that typically takes up to several months and may incur hefty costs after factoring in court fees, lawyer’s fees and expenses to obtain medical reports.

#2: “What are your care preferences if you can no longer speak for yourself?”

It’s also important for me to understand my parents’ care preferences and preferred healthcare arrangements – at a time when they can still make these decisions for themselves – so that I need not second guess them should anything happen.

Advance Care Planning (ACP) allows my parents to share their preferences so that doctors and those they trust can tailor their care and treatment accordingly.

This plan records the medical care they’re comfortable receiving, elements of care they prefer to prioritise, activities they enjoy and any fears or worries they have about medical care.

They will also be able to appoint up to two Nominated Healthcare Spokespersons to make decisions on their behalf when it comes to medical treatment.

In the event of a medical crisis where my parents are unable to make decisions, this ACP will help avoid stress and guilt by ensuring that all decisions are aligned with their wishes.

#3: “What kind of funeral and final arrangements do you prefer?”

How many days do you want the funeral to be? Do you prefer a burial or cremation? Have you set aside any funds for the rites yet? By understanding my parents’ expectations for final arrangements, we can prevent conflicts surrounding “this is what _____ would have wanted!”

Knowing the answers to these questions will take some stress off an already-overwhelming process of handling final rites.

#4: “Have you already made arrangements on how your assets will be handled after you pass away?”

This is, in my opinion, the trickiest question of them all.

It’s important that my parents understand that such questions stem from genuine concern about legacy planning, not selfish intentions. It’s also crucial to stress that I will fully respect their wishes, regardless of what they choose to do with their assets.

In addition to encouraging them to create a will that outlines how and to whom they would want their property and assets to be distributed after their demise, it’s also important that my parents make a CPF nomination.

There’s a common misconception that the distribution of CPF monies can be covered by a will.

However, without a CPF nomination, CPF monies will actually be distributed via intestacy laws and it can take up to six months for the Public Trustee’s Office to locate and distribute the monies to legally-entitled beneficiaries. This process also incurs an administrative fee.

Making a CPF nomination is free and can take less than five minutes, saving us precious time and cost.

The importance of open conversations

Sudden death and mental incapacity can happen to any of us, so I’ve started on my journey to engage my parents on these difficult, but important issues.

Making plans for the future reduces stress for those around us, and also minimises guilt, stress and uncertainties during an already-difficult period.

Not sure where to begin? Explore this easy step-by-step guide here.

This branded article by MyLegacy@LifeSG is a gentle reminder to start making plans together – don’t leave your loved ones struggling to pick up the pieces.

Top photo composite image from Canva and Google Maps/Alvin Khoo

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