Chinese New Year is that time of the year the extended family get together to gamble, drink Fanta Orange, lo hei, have steamboat, and use their phones, besides getting reacquainted with one another and catching up after yet another year.
Inevitably, catching up with one another involves making conversation and this will lead to the asking of awkward questions because generation gaps are real and sometimes people mistake lack of tact for making small talk.
To navigate this minefield by dodging questions and giving a zinger of a response, here is a guide to awkward Chinese New Year questions fit for 2021 -- with fewer visitors.
Do note that comebacks are to be utilised at your own risk, but still remaining respectful to your elders.
All jokes resembling real conversations with relatives dead or alive are a mere coincidence.
1. You got boyfriend/ girlfriend?
Since it is 2021, the “I no bf/ gf but got CPF” comeback is very 2020.
As the older generation always assumes that morals are getting looser as time goes by, you can say: “I have three boyfriends/ girlfriends, I don’t know which one to bring.”
If the relative’s response is you can bring all three, you can say, “Wah you damn rabak.”
Now who’s the one with the looser morals?
2. Why are you still taking angbao this year?
Instead of saying, “My last time”, or “My last few times lah”, make it about upholding what is right and true.
Say: “I respect Chinese traditions. If the tradition says I must take, I will take.”
Boom. Made another S$10.
3. Did you gain weight?
“Size is always relative. Maybe you got smaller?”
4. Did you lose weight?
“Size is always relative. Maybe you got bigger?”
5. What are you working as?
Don’t say anything.
*Take out angbao just given to you to check how much is inside.*
Then say: “I think this should last me two days.”
“Thank you, thank you. I will always remember your kindness.”
6. What are you doing now?
“Stephen.” [Say your partner’s name or the name of any friend.]
Your relative will say, “What?”
Then say: “Sorry, you asked me who am I doing now?”
7. When are you having children?
The process of having children is automatically associated with having had orgasms.
So instead of trying to bat it off by smiling coyly and saying, “Soon, soon”, or “We are still enjoying our honeymoon period”, turn deadly serious and say: “We have been trying to conceive but we can’t.”
“Doctors are running tests.”
Anytime you pull out the word “conceive” -- which is sterile and mechanical -- during a supposedly jovial occasion, you don’t just turn the tables to put the interrogator under the spotlight.
You flip the table out the window, downstairs.
You don’t have children, but you will be having a laugh. Inside.
If all else fails...
However, if being a smartass dishing out snappy wisecracks isn’t your thing, you can always bring along a Cadbury Dairy Milk gift box with you to offer a chocolate to everyone who asks you a question.
Cadbury Dairy Milk Gift Box
The Cadbury Dairy Milk gift box contains assorted flavours.
It retails for S$9.50, and you can purchase it at all hypermarkets and supermarkets. Find out more here.
The gift box contains three flavours, including an exclusive cashew nut flavour.
You will come across as generous and in favour of bonding with your family members. What’s more, that will keep their mouths busy and everyone happy.
This sponsored article was brought to you by Cadbury, so we can buy more chocolates to stuff our faces with and ask fewer questions.