Chinese New Year, in essence, is a yearly ritual of visitations and ceremonies with our family.

Some things are synonymous with the holiday: exchanging oranges, receiving/giving ang pows, and gambling the rest of your money away.

However, other less savoury episodes occur, courtesy of our competitive and kaypoh aunts and uncles. And there's no escaping it, either (unless you go overseas).

Steel yourself for the full spectrum of CNY experiences:

1. An emo/scene teenager wearing black and getting harangued by a superstitious relative 

"Ah boy ah, black very suay you know? You go funeral or Chinese New Year???"

The receiver is lucky if it ends here, but the tirade usually goes on for about 15 minutes (per relative).

2. A mistaken pregnancy

A group of aunts glancing at your cousin's belly (or worse, yours) and nudging one another not-so-subtly, all atwitter.

Turns out it was just a food baby, not a baby baby. Not sure who feels shittier.

3. Looking out for your own zodiac reading by THE fengshui master on Channel 8

Secretly checking out your luck in love and finding ways to remedy the situation if you happen to be one of the zodiacs who "fan tai sui" (a clash with the stars opposite Jupiter) this year.

4. Family cliques

If your Ah Gong Ah Ma aren't busy stuffing you with food, they'll be talking amongst themselves while the Aunties play mahjong. The Uncles will then watch TV and discuss business or politics, and the young ones will be playing with their phones in a corner.

Sometimes there's also an outcast cousin who doesn't mingle with the rest of the group, usually because he/she is either too westernised or not westernised enough.

Basically social segregation on a micro scale, until it's time for steamboat and everyone is forced to sit together at the dinner table.

Speaking of which...

5. Trying to kiap more abalone without looking greedy at meal times 

Experienced diners will choose a strategic location closer to the delicacy, so they can reach for it inconspicuously. Other tactics include kiaping it for other people before taking some for themselves.

6. Sensing tension in the air as a pair of relatives with bad blood cross paths

Maybe it was a fallout over a business decision. Maybe it was money that was never returned.

Whatever the tragic backstory is, the parties actively involved in the quarrel can't actually remember the events, but only the feelings of ire and animosity. Why like that?

7. The same kaypoh aunts comparing academic achievements/salaries between their children/nieces and nephews

As if school or work isn't stressful enough, you have gossipy relatives comparing your "achievements" against your cousins.

Woe betide you if you haven't excelled at anything the past year, because stinging remarks and smug looks from your overachieving cousin's mum sure are real mood dampeners.

8. Asking your parents how to address your relatives in Chinese, instead of just calling everyone Auntie/Uncle

Remember distant relatives swooping upon you like birds of prey? Yeah, you'll get to experience that soon enough. More than addressing them correctly, you'll have to learn how to deal with all the questions they're going to pelt you with.

9. The more "hip" members of the older generation comparing the Pokémon they've caught 

Pokémon Go may be old news to you, but some of your aunts and uncles are still actively catching them. It's kind of cute how they get excited over a Ditto.

10. Struggling to remember who gave which ang bao at the end of the day

Not because we're money-faced or materialistic, but so that our parents can match it with the same amount.

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