So I get why narcissistic people hate Christmas so much -- they are too obsessed with themselves to be bothered to be involved in other peoples’ lives. And that’s on a regular basis.

So I mean, it must really annoy them to no end when the spirit of giving is in the air and there are expectations for you to act all chummy and pretend that you care about other people.

And it’s made worse by your peers pressuring to make ardent displays of your fake emotions by bestowing gifts upon those whom they classify as your friends. Hah. You can barely tear yourself gaze away from the mirror to go to bed, what makes them think that you’re interested in giving gifts to other people whom you barely care about?!

But it’s okay. I’ve carefully curated a list of witty gifts which will not only get people to marvel at your creativity, but more importantly, spread the legacy of your name.

#1. Selfie Toaster

How better to start the day with a hearty breakfast of toast. WITH YOUR FACE ON IT?!

Isn’t it brilliant? Canadian based Burnt Impressions allows you to send in your selfies which will be transferred onto a metal plate which will later be inserted into your customised toaster which will produce wonderful pieces of bread with your face on them.

At $69, this toaster will give you, and your friends far more entertainment than it costs really. And if your friends hate you, they can always smear jam over your face and pretend that it’s blood. Or they can try to eat you up in a bite. Either way.

#2 Selfie Ring

So your friends think that you’re not committed to your friendship of 20 years too long? Prove them wrong by presenting them with a selfie ring for Christmas.

Ok, I know that the item description says that it’s meant for declaring your devotion for your pet. But seriously, this has so much more potential. Like for declaring your devotion to yourself. So much more worth it. More than its $13.92 price tag actually.

Just send in your photo to CaramelaHandmade and they’d send you a ring adorned with a wonderful image of your glossy face. You can also your face made into a necklace or a pair of earrings.

But let’s face it, nothing screams commitment like a ring in a box. Which is what you are to your friendship.

#3 Selfie Tattoos

So SHOPAWSITIVE caters to pet lovers who wish to make everything about them all about their pets. But you can exploit it to customise stuff that is all about you instead. Like these temporary tattoos right over here.

Present your friends with these wonderful selfie tattoos to let them experience how wonderful it is to have your face plastered on their budging bicep. Or bulging tummy. Whichever goes. We don’t discriminate.

Hey! They always say it’s a good thing to do a trial run before going for the real thing anyway. And for about $10 a pair, these are really value for money. Also, the shop’s policy is that 20% of the sales will go to a different animal rescue organisation each quarter. CAN SOMEONE SAY SPIRIT OF GIVING?!

#4 Selfie Nail Wraps

So some people, I don’t know why, like to go around with small ecosystems on their nails.

Personally, I’m the old fashioned sort who my nails to be you know, more normal looking. But if your friends are into fancier stuff then might I suggest that you get them some selfie nail wraps from Nail Snaps.

So let your friends flaunt your face in place of their French manicures and what not. $19 for a week’s worth of entertainment (longer if your friends take extra care of their nails).

#5 Selfie Cookie Cutters

Apparently it’s tradition to bake Christmas cookies for your friends and family during the Christmas holiday season, and some people have been getting very creative with their creations!

Great as ninjabread men may be, your friends will be more impressed, and amused, by cookies in the shape of your face!

Just send in your photo, and “a team of crafty graphic designers” will get to work and 3D print out a cookie cutter that will produce cookies with the likeness of your face!

And it can be reused. Year after year, Christmas after Christmas. The sheer amount of delicious love and joy that this kitchen contraption can generate is unquantifiable. But reasonably priced at $69.

#6 Selfie Socks

Any Harry Potter fans out there?? Sure there are. And all of whom are familiar with the famous Dumbledore theory on Christmas gifts.

Enter Sole Survior, a company which understands that very concept. For $14.99, you can get socks with your face on them!

Warms the feet, as well as the hearts of everyone.

#7 Selfie Stamps

And if you really want your presence to be everywhere, you should invest in one of these customised selfie stamps.

Aptly called “Stamp Yo Face”, the company can “turn your magnificent face into a charming custom stamp” for about $93. Which is not too bad really. Because you can go around just stamping your face on everything in your friend’s house.

From their graduation certs to make them more officious, to their white couches to give them that finishing touch. What? They did tell you to make yourself at home didn’t they? And what better way to do that than to surround yourself with, well, you?

At $93, it’s something rather expensive to give to people you don’t really like, so just, keep for yourself and spend the rest of your days upping the value of the item by stamping your face on them. $1 box of tissue? Now priceless because your face is on it. Gift giving will never be the same again.

The answer will be you. Your presence. In the form of your face. Everywhere. But no where. #mindblown

#8 Standee

And if all fails you can always get a lifesize standee of yourself to display in your friend’s house. Somewhere discrete. Like beside the Christmas tree. Or just at their doorway. Very Big Bang Theory.

Just think about it, if all goes well you wouldn’t even have to go to Christmas parties anymore. You can send your standee in your place and spend your time, I don’t know, examining your nails and stuff. Service is available at most major printing companies, and discounts are usually given for printing in bulk.

So that’s our list of wonderful gifts that you narcissistic people can get your friends for Christmas. NOW, GO FORTH AND SPREAD THE SPIRIT OF GIVING!

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