If  you have ever visited a overpriced hipster café, you would know that one of the tricks to selling overpriced food is simply to have fancy pants writing in the menu, sans pictures.

(Other neat tricks include having old furniture lying around, incandescent lighting, plants in glass jars and typewriters of yesteryear as the backbone of your decor.)

In light of the fact that our hawkers are going extinct, we thought we would try to give them a hand in making their offerings more attractive to us millennials. (I mean, if people are willing to fork out $17.50 for a couple of eggs and bacon, who knows, maybe fancy words would justify paying our uncles and aunties a little more.)

We've even suggested how much their customers should be paying! You're welcome.

USAGE INSTRUCTIONS: These food descriptions work best if printed on recycled paper in Courier New, in bold and attached to a wooden clipboard, served on top of an Instagram-friendly table top. 

Exhibit A:

Feel free to modify the descriptions and pricing if the ingredients or cooking techniques are different.

1. The Grains of Austronesia

Photo: neng_orin

Fragrant rice wrapped in banana leaves and prepared in creamy coconut milk, served with anchovies, hard-boiled eggs, lamb curry, cool cucumber slices and traditional Malay chili paste. Choose between stir fried ikan selar (Yellowtail) or a free-range chicken drumstick for an add-on. – $14

2. Sticks of Sin

Photo: fanny_ho3021

Your choice of juicy chicken, beef, pork or lamb skewers marinated overnight in light soy ginger and turmeric. Accompanied by cucumber wedges, diced onions and roasted peanut sauce. – $14.50

3. National Treasure

A quintessential Singaporean favourite: tender, deboned free range 'kampong' chicken, glazed with sesame soy.  Served on top of aromatic rice, freshly-cut cucumber and clear soup with light garnish. Choice of thick viscous sweet dark sauce or tangy garlic chilli  – $18

4. Crustacean Crusade

Photo: ocsisi_yang

Carefully handpicked Scylla Serrata (Mud Crab) stir-fried in a thick tomato-chilli paste, chopped peanuts and flowing egg ribbons. Served with three glistening Chinese mantous. Wholemeal and gluten-free options available. – $230++ 

5. Mix and Match

Yong Tau Foo Johor Bahru food trail round 2 .

A photo posted by Jen Jen Lim (@limjenjen) on Nov 23, 2015 at 9:23pm PST

Assorted array of surimi tofu and vegetables encasing generous portions of fish paste, ladled over with a traditional Teochew broth made from beans and sun-dried anchovies. Served with your choice of noodles or rice. Kindly enquire within for ingredients of the day. – $12.50

6. Black Gold

   Photo: eat_after_eating

Handmade rice noodles, sauteed prawns, wild blood cockles, sliced fish cake and organic bean sprouts. Tossed to wok-charred perfection over maximum heat for the definitive wok hei flavour. Served with pork croutons. – $16.50

7. The Porkston Tea Party

Farm-raised boar ribs slow-cooked overnight with wolfberries, red-dates, garlic chives and traditional oriental herbal spice soup. Served with choice of knife-cut chinese cruller, long-grain thai rice, green vegetables or salted vermicelli noodles. –$18

8. Devil's Stew

  Photo: @febylous

Rice vermicelli, wild blood cockles, fish cake slices and fresh prawns immersed in a thick, creamy coconut-based broth with a generous serving of sambal paste. – $12.50

9. Porker's Indulgence 

Velvety smooth braised pork numbles, flat rice noodles, braised peanuts, beancurd and salted vegetables topped off with a sprinkling of shallots. Served with a mildly sweet herbal broth. – $15.50

10. Subcontinental Pancakes

Traditional Punjab wheat pancake,  hand-kneaded, twirled and grilled to a crisp in cholesterol-free peanut oil.  Served with your choice of lamb, fish or chicken curry. -$7.50

11. Eggs Bengnedict with Singapore-buttered Brioche

Toasted wholemeal bread, generously buttered with thick coconut-egg spread and margarine. Served with two farm fresh soft-boiled eggs and your choice of Singaporean black tea or roasted coffee. – $9

12. Natural Selection

Steamed and refined white rice with your selection of assorted meat and vegetables. Today’s specials: crispy, bite-sized pork chunks, ‘traffic light’ bell peppers and pineapple wedges / spicy savoury Kung Pao chicken /  Golden pan-fried egg tofu with ground beef – $12

12. Water On The Rocks

Zero calorie UV-treated water from the heart of the Singaporean rainforest, served chilled with purified ice-cubes. Add a tropical antioxidant for a dollar.– $2.50

13. Pulled Ginger Tea

Photo: ryancheng80

Ceylonese black tea lightly stirred with evaporated skim milk, gravity-pulled for maximum flavour. Soy milk option available– $7.50

14. Asian-style Geometric-cut Gelato

Old school ice cream!! Brings back so much memories. #tuesday #may #2015 #icecream #redbean #potongicecream #redbeanpotongicecream #oldschool #memories #sweettooth   A photo posted by Creature Of The Wind (@estherng89) on May 26, 2015 at 3:10am PDT

Crushed red-bean bits and submerged in full creamy  paste. Chilled to subzero and cut for angularity. Served on a single stalk of bamboo –$5

15. Crimson Shell Surprise

Two portions of crimson glutinous rice and tapioca locked in embrace with ground raw peanuts or sweet mung bean filling. Glazed with peanut oil, adorned with tortoise shell motifs and presented on fresh banana leaves.  – $6

DISCLAIMER: Neither Mothership.sg nor this writer is responsible for any loss of business as a result of changing your menu, or your food prices. Take everything you read on the internet with a pinch of salt, because you, know, high blood pressure. 

Unless stated, all photos courtesy of Medha Lim.

Top image from here.

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