So I realised that not all of you have the privilege of having a wonderful working relationship with your colleagues. I have one with the people here at Mothership.

Here, we just, hide in our respective corners and send each other messages on Facebook. Well, I do anyway.

Anyhow, I know some of you in working in not so cool places like, well, I don’t know, in some hierarchical bureaucratic organisation. And dynamics may be very different there from what they are in my nice and friendly office. So I have put together a list of not-so-nice colleagues that you may encounter in your daily drudgery that is your job.

#1 The Slacker.

Ahhh. Everyone knows one of these. Doesn’t do his work, and leaves you staring at your laptop till the wee hours of the morning waiting for an email which never comes. Sometimes he tells you that his internet is broken, that his phone doesn’t work and then you see his Facebook wall filled with photos of him puking at Zouk. Classy.

#2 The Bossy.

Or otherwise known as the sneaky slacker. This person doesn’t do any work. But man does he have so many opinions on how work should be done. By you, of course. Because god forbid, should he be required to put in any actual effort to get work done.

#3 The Gossip.

Bored of your very proper and pristine reputation at work? No worries! Just speak to your friendly office gossip. Just a 15-minute conversation with her will ensure that the whole office is privy to all possible distortions, rumours, untruths, myths, and smears on your once squeaky-clean image.

Motivation to look for a new job? Check.

#4 The Questioning.

This guy. Is always asking questions. Not the right questions, nor the wrong questions, but just a whole bunch of unnecessary questions. Examples of such unnecessary questions include:

- Why is this project like this?

- Can you tell the who not to be so like that?

- What kind of work makes you do this kind of thing?

Just do your work and shut up.

#5 The Stupid.

You sent her an email with clear unmistakable instructions. Simple English. No jargon whatsoever.

You were even nice enough to include an OCD to-do list with the tasks clearly numbered off. But she still manages to send you stuff that’s completely unrelated to what you asked for. There’s only one explanation for this of course. Your colleague is, sad to say, stupid.

#6 The Pest.

You know the guy who comes up to your seat and starts kicking your chair multiple times for no apparent reason? Or the girl who likes to brush her hair next to you and covering your table with a nice carpet of her over-permed, over-dyed hair. Ugh. Yes. Those are the office pests. May they burn in the fires of Mount Doom.

#7 The Thief.

You’d know if you have one of these around, but they are rather hard to identify. You’d never know when they will strike. But you can tell that they are just loitering in the shadows and waiting for the opportune moment to swipe your precious alcohol from the communal fridge. And as we all know, everyone is extremely protective of their emergency alcohol at work.

#8 The Creep.

“I don’t speak Japanese. But could you say some Jap stuff to me please? I want you to listen to your voice in an exotic language that I don’t understand.”

“Hey you’re working late? I can work late also and we can keep each other company till the wee hours of the morning.”

“You’re very bubbly! When your new colleague comes in, you and her can have a competition in front of me, and I will judge who is more bubbly.”

BRB. Got to go puke.

#9 The Snoop.

There are people who have no sense of boundaries. These people usually come to your desk and start flipping through your calendar. Or they read your personal emails off your screen. Or they open your bag and asking you about the big box of Tic-Tacs that you have stowed away from prying eyes. (What?! Tic-Tacs are important!) Let, get out of my space and keep your hands and eyes to yourself before I stab you with an office-issued pen.

#10 The Ghost.

And lastly, we have the ghosts. No one really knows where they are or if they actually are on the payroll. They flit in and out of the office as and when they want to and sometimes, you wonder if they are really a figment of your imagination. You hear that they are on medical leave, hospitalisation leave, off-in-lieu, vacation leave, on course, at a seminar, at a meeting, but you don’t really know if any of this is legit. Like a ghost. Only less plausible.

Okay I’ve come to the end of the list. Share and tag your horrible colleagues so that they can buck up and make your life easier. Or quit so that you don’t have to go through the trouble of firing them.

And now, back to work.

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