Last week, my grandfather passed away. He had lived a long and fruitful life that spanned 89 years. After being warded for a couple of weeks at SGH, he passed away peacefully.

We had a Taoist/ Buddhist wake the following five days.

This is probably a heavy topic for this holiday season, but I think not many dare to talk enough about what death means for the living and what death signifies in general.

As far as grandparents passing on, most people accept it as normal, like: "Oh that's sad. Guess he was just old. At least it wasn't like his brother who died or something."

Admittedly, I wasn't that close to my grandfather. I saw him mostly only during Chinese New Year, some wedding or birthday dinners.

Yet, these things matter. We live life, but death comes anyway. Until then, you deal with it as a third party.

Here are 7 things I learnt after attending my grandfather's funeral:

1) Death always brings the family closer together

Well... that is if your family gets along and doesn't fight over small matters all the time.

But truly, when somebody in the family passes on, the rest of the entire family gets together, mostly during the wake.

Is that upsetting? Ironic? Enlightening? It's your call. I bonded with that side of the family during my grandfather's wake and honestly, I had a lot of fun. As strange as this may sound, it was great talking to them, getting to know them again and reigniting old relationships.

Maybe we shouldn't ever have to wait for something to happen. Maybe we should stop being so busy and only wait for festive seasons to get together.

Maybe we should realise tragedy isn't the only reason to get together.

Whatever the case, it's pretty true that death, while in its own being the end of life, unites other lives.

2) The wake can be very pleasant and cheerful

As sad as it can be, the experience of the wake can still be a very pleasant and cheerful one.

This is, of course, based on the idea that relatives and friends of the deceased are relieved, or even happy to see them go. This is when people say things like: "He lived a long and fruitful life", "He no longer has to suffer" or "He's no longer burdened by an earthly shell."

I do not speak for others. I know from firsthand experience how hard it is to see a loved one leave prematurely.

So if you've been through a wake here, you can pretty much guess how it was like. Everyone was eating a crapload of peanuts.

Me? I had a lot of beer with my cousin.

3) Religion takes a backseat

It was both a Taoist and Buddhist wake. I've no idea why. I didn't ask.

I also saw several relatives who were Christian and Catholic come to pay their respects. Nobody had any reservations about holding a joss stick.

I've heard stories of people who fervently stuck to their customs during wakes and funerals, but I didn't see any of that.

I'm not trying to step on any toes here, but I'm glad about that. I think it's great that most people don't become a news headline or a script for a drama.

Call it not being religious. Call it being unfaithful. Call it being flexible. Call it whatever.

We're only human and that means we only have each other.

If death stares at you in the face or is literally lying down there near you, it's easy to simply want to live, go with the flow, be happy and not hurt others.

4) But... superstitions run the show

Finding the four numbers to buy 4D.

You can't touch his room for seven days after the wake because he'll be back, supposedly represented by a moth.

We had to be wary of cats walking near the coffin because if a cat jumps over, the body will also jump (I think.)

You name it.

It begs to be asked: What matters more? What is more powerful? Religion or superstitions? Do they go hand in hand?

I don't know. You tell me.

5) Nobody knows for sure, so stop with the questions

To extend the point of religion, what happens after death?

I speak for everybody: Nobody knows for sure. Because everyone is alive today and hasn't been to the other side.

My cousin and I were wondering: "I wonder what Ah Gong was thinking about those couple of weeks in the hospital." We felt he may have had a fear of what was to come next. What were his beliefs then?

My cousin's husband said he had a dream of my grandfather, looking young, healthy and happy inside. Was that a sign?

If one side of the family is Buddhist while another is Christian, whose beliefs are right?

I was HAPPY to bond with my cousins over drinks during the wake. Does that make me an asshole?

Again, I don't know.

But I think it's not a matter of who's right or whether that was a true sign or whatever.

I think it's simply accepting what reality gives to you and if it makes you happy, you just go with it. Asking too many questions would only lead to more questions.

Then you live. That's all we can do. Continue to live. Do yourself a favor and try to be happy along the way.

6) True strength is being strong for others

Here's a little funny story:

My cousin and I termed my mom's brothers (my Ah Ku and Ah Chek) Troubled Hero and Poker Face.

Both handled the logistics of the entire funeral. They greeted all visitors and made sure everything ran smoothly.

Troubled Hero cried during the cremation when we were in the viewing gallery. Poker Face did not shed a single tear.

I was crying like a bitch at the side.

Nonetheless, both uncles seriously showed real strength and courage the whole time, a time when they had to mourn the loss of their own parents, no less. It wasn't a matter of how much one cried or not. It's a matter of being strong for your loved ones.

I think way too many of us are caught up with trying to lead a modern lifestyle to show how "strong" we are to others. We're going to gyms to get buff. We try to make a lot of money to show off. We regale tales of winning arguments, fights or whatever.

But none of these matter. Not in the big picture.

So don't judge somebody for the amount of money they have, how cool they look, how successful they are in career or whatever. Because even if they have none of those, you can be surprised how much strength and courage they have within.

7) Love your parents. While you grow up, they're growing old

To end off, I shan't go on typical live-your-life-everyday-like-it's-your-last tirade.

But here's something most of us forget: While you're growing up, your parents are growing old.

That means for whatever cool thing you did in your life, their eyesight is diminishing.

For whatever superb goal you achieved, their memory is fading.

For whatever happiness you feel, their time is slowly running out. And should life takes its natural course, you'll be seeing them off.

That is why you need to love the crap out of them, besides the fact that they're the only ones capable enough to give you the most love you can ever experience.

So cherish one another already.

It isn't that hard.

Peace.

Alden Tan is a writer who graduated from NUS and is now doing the whole “quit my job to follow a dream” thing as he blogs about honest and real stories. Check out his free book, 12 Things Happy People Don’t Give a F**k About.

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