These days, you can get cancer from many things: Standing too close to the microwave, vacationing near and around Fukushima, walking in unannounced when someone is having an X-ray done, plus a few other ways.

But one foolproof way of getting cancer in Singapore, it appears, is reading food blogs.

These are usually written by people with a camera and an Internet connection. Basically, anyone who actually cannot write but pretends to know something and tries to share it with everyone.

Far from being enriching and informational, a lot of these blogs are replicas of one another, churning out the same cookie cutter reviews, centering around the same views with limited vocabulary.

It has become a case of the more you read, the less you know, and you catch cancer and die.

Here are 10 words food bloggers in Singapore use all the time to describe food that are actually pretty meaningless:

1. Fragrant

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There is nothing more infuriating than the word "fragrant".

I mean, how else are waffles supposed to smell? How else is freshly baked bread supposed to affect your olfactory glands?

Have you eaten waffles that are actually not fragrant? Because if you have, then you really shouldn't be reviewing it in the first place. Because that place you're at deserves to close down as no one should read about it and visit.

Tell me if the waffles you are having is or is not as good as coming home one day and finding Fiona Xie lying in your bed. That's what I really want to know.

2. Moist

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Another word that is so commonplace it is useless.

Chicken is moist. Fish is moist. Custard buns are moist. The rice is moist. The cake is moist. And I'm pretty sure the waitress can be moist too.

Every. Thing. Is. Moist.

Is there really no other way you can describe food without lapsing into "moist"?

Why can't they say: When I placed the chicken inside my mouth, it was as if I was transported back to the time when I was virginal and in love and French kissing the first girl I ever had the hots for. Because that was how wet the chicken felt as it tumbled around and over my tongue, coating me with its juices. The inside of my loins tingled.

3. Cloyingly sweet

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Some years ago, one food blogger used this term and almost got sued by the owner of some dessert place.

It would have been ideal for the lawsuit to have occurred because these two words have been appearing mindlessly in blog after blog after blog...

Why can't food reviewers just describe how sweet is sweet? For example: When I gave this pastry to the ants in my kitchen, even they developed diabetes. I checked. They took a bite and were pissing honey.

4. Tasty

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You might as well say it tastes "good".

Or just close your blog down and give up.

5. Special

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Yes, of course. Why would the F&B owner invest tens and hundreds of thousands of dollars opening a place just to sell something run-of-the-mill?

Why? No, seriously. Why?

Think about that.

6. Nice

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There is a special place in hell reserved for people who describe things as "nice".

The only person who is allowed to use "nice" is Borat. If you don't have a moustache and you're not from Kazakhstan, no.

7. Fresh

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Name me an eatery in Singapore that sells food that is not fresh. Come on. I will send that information to NEA at this very moment.

8. Tender

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Yes, a cut of meat can be tender. But can the steak be cut like a hot knife through butter? Is it as tender as the love you're going to make to your significant other after the meal? I want to know.

I don't want to just know that it is tender or "not chewy". What are you? A cow? Is that all you can say after consuming a few hundred grams of the finest cut of wagyu beef? I want to know how it felt as the meat went down your esophagus. Did you happen to achieve nirvana? An orgasm, perhaps?

9. Balanced

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What are you now? A see-saw?

10. Flavourful

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Ketchup is flavourful. A Mars bar is flavorful. So is vinegar. If you concentrate hard enough.

Vinegar, soya sauce and MSG: They are all very flavourful when you can break them down with your tongue let your taste buds interact with each and every molecule to suss out all its dimensions.

And if you ever tried to chew on your dog's tongue, you'd notice that, hey, it is also quite flavourful.

Telling me something is "flavourful" adds zero informational value to my existence.

Are there other words in food blogs that tell you absolutely nothing about the food but that the blogger has a Primary 3 level of English? Comments are free. Go on.

Top photo via Burpple

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