In the playgrounds of Singapore, it’s common to hear Singaporean parents hollering after their kids: “Don’t run so fast or you will fall down!” or its variation “Don’t climb so high or you will fall down!”.

I don’t hear these frantic warnings as much in the playgrounds of Los Angeles. The parents seem content to watch from afar, and to let their children run and climb, and to learn from their own mistakes.

I’ve been consciously trying to do that for Claire, to push the limits of my own comfort zone and to refrain from placing the burden of my own fear onto her tiny shoulders.

I’ve had to stop myself many times from yelling out “Don’t climb so high or you will fall down!”. Instead, I frame my request in a way that doesn’t temper her natural sense of courage but encourages her to be more aware. I usually end up with a variation of “Claire, be careful, concentrate on what you are doing, ok?” and then proceed to share in her joy at her accomplishment.

I grew up with parents who loved and sheltered me as much as they could. With a dental nurse for a mother and an insurance underwriter for a father, I suppose it should not come as a surprise that I had my fair share of “Don’t do (insert risky action) …because (insert consequence) is bound to happen.”

Even till today, my father will frame most of his advice in the form of risk-avoidance, laying out the consequences of such-and-such action and how the best policy should be to avoid the consequences by avoiding the risky action.

My mother still hollers after Claire and her cousins, telling them not to run so fast or they will fall down.

Many parents ‘fear-monger’ because they believe that if they point out the consequences and the risks, then the child will end up being safer.

I often wonder how this affects kids, how it frames their world, and whether it makes them more wary of taking risks than their counterparts whose parents allow them to fall and learn from their own mistakes.

Recently, Education Minister Heng Swee Keat spoke with a group of CEOs and received the feedback that “young Singaporeans lack drive and the confidence to venture out of their comfort zones” and that “they also prefer to lie low and not speak their minds, or take on new responsibilities which may increase their chances of making mistakes”.

Could this be a reflection on how we raise our kids, trying to shelter them from every risky action? Telling them that the police will come and take them away if they don’t behave? Telling them that the only way to make a decent living is to be a doctor, a lawyer, a teacher, or any other 9-5 profession that pays the bills? Telling them to avoid any risky career choices for fear of failure and to kiss their interests and passions goodbye because it would never amount to much more than a hobby?

I have many good friends who would have loved to have taken up a career in the arts or in music, but deferred instead to their practical sensibilities and to the voices of reason and logic in their lives. A couple of them are wistful at the missed opportunities that they could have taken.

I remember that when I was in school here in Singapore, all throughout my primary, secondary, junior college and university years, I feared raising my hand when the teacher periodically asked for answers to questions, or for opinions. In fact, it was rare to see a raised hand when the teacher would ask for a response from the class. No one wanted to be wrong. No one wanted to risk a mistake or look like a fool.

One can hardly blame them. I remember that there often seemed to be only one, fixed answer for any question that was asked on a quiz or exam paper. Not much room for variation. Hence the brisk sales of 10-year series answer books.

The fear of getting a wrong answer was seeded quite early on in my case. Perhaps my experience is all too common.

My first experience with learning Chinese in Primary One was not too pleasant. We had a spelling quiz and I was called up to the blackboard to write down a word. I did not know how to write it. So out came the teacher’s plastic ruler followed by a sharp smack on my hand. In front of the whole class.

In contrast, in the college that I attended in the US, and also noticeably even in the preschool that Claire attended, hands went up very often. The students often wanted to be the first one with the answer, and even if they didn’t know the answer, there were many students who just wanted to venture a guess. Everyone had something to share. Such an attitude is infectious, and I soon found myself overcoming my shyness and raising my hand to answer questions, and enjoying the process of finding my own voice.

I want to raise Claire with an inquiring mind. I would like for her to continue asking ‘Why?’ even as she gets a little older and not to fear asking questions. It is common for the preschool-going kids like her to ask their parents lots of questions about why the world is how it is. We should encourage all the ‘whys’, not only in our children, but in ourselves.

There are no lack of people to complain openly about the situations that need change. But not many people are willing to do something about it. Most would rather shrug their shoulders and chant the mantra “That’s the way it is and always has been and nothing will change so there’s no point doing anything about it”

But remember that saying? The one that says that we need to be the change that we want to see? Well, I think there’s a lot of truth in that.

The first step often involves overcoming our fear of risk and failure.

Because the alternative of not ever having done something we could have done to impact a change….well, that would be the ultimate risk of failure.

About a year ago, we brought Claire to the circus and she was fascinated with the trapeze artistes, with how they would defy gravity and spiral through the air with ballet-like grace. The next time her preschool teacher asked her what she wanted to be when she grows up, she replied : “I want to be a Trapeze artist!”

When kids approach something, they often approach it with enthusiasm and passion, without thinking about the ‘what ifs’ and the risks. It is often the adults who put the brakes on their enthusiasm by curbing it with fear.

I suspect that the best road to take would be one that gives enough space to the kid to explore on his or her own terms, but within a safe boundary. For it is not good to allow either extreme, of being overly cautious, or overly lax with one’s kids.

So, I’ll stay watchful over Claire, and keep her away from busy streets and snarling pit-bulls, but I’ll bite my tongue the next time she does a sharp turn on her scooter, or wants to swing higher on the swing.

I’ll try to refrain from saying “Don’t! You’ll fall!” because words can be powerful. And I don’t want to impose my own fears on her. For she can one day be the change that the world needs…perhaps as a doctor, a gardener, or even as a trapeze artist.

Top photo from here.

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